New Year's Eve

I haven't posted much lately. I'm OK with that. Hopefully you are too.

It's been a rough year. I have made new friends and lost some dear old ones. I have lost relationships and began again. Friends have lost loved ones and experienced more heartache than imaginable. I have been disappointed in myself and others.

But, I have also experienced life in a way that has been transformed at the least. I have learned to love people at their worst. I have both been fed by others and helped to feed and clothe my brothers and sisters.

This year has been full of loss, emptiness, and despair. But, it has also filled me with love, compassion, and openness in a way that only loss, pain, heartache, and sorrow can give. This year, my failures are many. Yet, my successes (while maybe not as quantifiable) are spiritually and worldly significant.

I wasn't planning on attending church today. In fact, I was kind of annoyed at the prospect of going at noon. I mean seriously? Really. Who goes to church at noon at New Year's Eve anyway? No matter what I did to busy myself...I felt a push.

I hate being pushed. I grit my teeth when told what to do. But today, I gave up and relinquished my type A control and need to organize. I begrudgingly got dressed, cleaned off my car, and drove (in the snow) to the Plaza. Mind you, I checked around to see if any other service would do. I looked online and even made a couple of phone calls. To my irritation, other than mass, there seemed to be no other NYE services at noon.

I was still annoyed when I sat down in the pew. In fact, I was annoyed (no offense Bob if you stumble upon this) still when the minister spoke of the mediocrity of the song that was played as the welcome music. See, the pianist was playing a lovely rendition of "Auld Lang Syne". I get it. It's cliche. But, I have a guilty love affair with Robert Burns' fairytale of possibility.

But, I digress...So, here I am. Annoyed. But, in this space that is quiet and still, sad and remembering, smart and silly...all at the same time. This space, this quiet chapel, usually makes me claustrophobic. But, today...amidst stories of loss, love, peace, hope and possibility...today I could breathe. Today, I could hear. Today, God directed the show. And, he played Beatles music and provided angels.

So, Happy New Year! And, may you have a day filled with as much of what you need as today was for me.

Our Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father;

We are here today out of desperation, sadness, and compassion. But, most of all love. We are here because in this time of loss and tragedy, we are not alone. We are together, holding each other, feeling your presence. We pray for strength. We pray for empathy and insight into the struggles of others. Lord we pray for connectivity. We pray that the struggles and pain of others, those hurts that allow them to inflict pain and even death on others...can be seen. We pray to SEE each other and act in a loving fashion. 

We pray for each of the families affected by this horrific event. We pray for the families of the children that were lost in the shooting. We pray for their peace and understanding of something that is incomprehensible. Lord, we pray for the understanding of a Father that lost his only son. We pray for the courage to reach out and comfort one another. We pray that more lives are not lost during the grief process of losing a loved one. We pray for marriages that will struggle due to the loss of a child. 

Father, please give divine grace and words to the teachers and staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School. May they have the strength to continue. May they have the courage and fortitude to comfort the children of Newtown. Because, in comforting those children...they are comforting all of our children. 

Lord, while we cannot focus on the perpetrator. We must acknowledge him. He was your son as are we. We pray for the family of Adam Lanza. They too are probably asking why. We pray for their peace and we pray that their support system will support them. Please, provide them “open arms” and a soft place to land while they shed their own tears. 

God, let us appreciated our children and loved ones this holiday season. As we rush around, go to ballets, see Santa, open gifts...Give us the awareness that the experience is the gift, the time with them, the love we share. Let us say a prayer, have a moment, for those that no longer have those moments. Let us hold our brother’s and sister’s in our arms or hearts this holiday season. Let us hold the parents of the children whose presents will go unwrapped. The mother who cannot get out of bed in the morning. Lord, hold her in a way that only a father can hold a child. Wipe her tears. Lord, give a husband or father the strength to reach out because he feels so helpless. 

We pray for our media and that they will exercise the moral restraint that will allow them to report this emotionally disturbing event with grace, conscience, and integrity. 

Father, comfort our clergy. Give them the words and rest that they need to comfort us in these moments of grief, sorrow, guilt, and confusion. 

God, give President Barack Obama the strength to comfort a nation. Give us the courage to make this about something larger than politics. Please, allow our country to come together in this time of need. 

Right now though, let us hold each other. And, across the miles let our prayers and our love be felt in Newton and all over the world. Let those who are lost feel a moment of peace, even just a moment. 

Lord, 16 mass shootings have occurred in this country over the course of the last year. Please give us the insight to prevent and not just to comfort after the fact. Please help the pained, the hurt, the lost, not only to find their way...but, even just to feel your presence. Help our country to intervene in the mental health capacity of the individual, because they impact our collective humanity. Help our hearts to be open to solutions. 

We will now be silent and pray to you through our own hearts, a voice that only you can hear. For the next 280 seconds we will observe silence for all the deaths in this tragedy.

In your name we pray,

Amen

No denying

So, really...I'm really busy. But, I felt a universal "push" to put this out there anyway. I mean, finals, work, dance, school for kids...did I mention the cardiology stuff?

But, I digress. I feel like sometimes I am too busy to hear the introspective responses of the universe/God what have you. Sometimes, my own agenda gets in the way of his. And, yesterday is a prime example. There are a few of them...

First, I have been struggling with the church I have been attending. It's still the denomination that I am drawn to as a liberal Christian. But, I just wasn't certain yet. Yesterday I went to the contemporary service. And, let's be real...it was probably far too intimate for my comfort level. But, nonetheless it was lovely, lively, spiritual. I still needed something more. So, I decided to stay around for the last service at 10:45. I might add, there was to be an ordination and I just felt compelled to witness that.

Between services, I was sitting in a pew. And, I just felt this draft of air. I didn't really think much of it. Because, if you know the building...drafts are par for the course. But, I was actually bent over praying for some of my own personal bidness (Oh, I know how it is spelled...just kind of a nod to things). When, I heard a voice say "This is where it's at". So, of course I turned and looked around. Realistically, this would not have been an odd sentiment for someone to say at this particular church. But, no one was in my proximity and it was merely a whisper. So, I began praying again and again the voice repeated the same thing. Honestly, I chalked it up to four hours of sleep and began singing the opening hymn.

I also witnessed one of the most beautiful ordinations that I have ever seen. The family, the church family, the spirit that moved in the realm of one individuals impact in mission. The hope and certainty of it all. It literally brought me to tears.

I suppose the final word or spirit I felt yesterday was during the feeding of the homeless in the park. It's a mission that the church does. I had my beautiful mittens from Lululemon on. I mean gorgeous. They match this scarf thing with a hood. They are warm and expensive. Granted, I got them on sale last season. But, it was only the second time I had worn them. As I was ladling soup, again I felt a draft. But, we were outside. And, it was windy as hell. But, it wasn't the wind. I continued. Someone said, "Give them to her." So, I looked around and saw a woman headed our direction and gave her soup. Feeling a little obligated I offered them to her. She took them and promptly gave them back. After she walked away, the voice said..."not her". WTH? Now this was a guessing game. Though, it wasn't. There was a woman that was there last month with her husband. They might be in their fifties. And, they had nothing. She had a hoody on. So, when he came over to get soup for the both of them (Seconds, I might add! This was really exciting), I handed him the mittens. I told him they were for his wife.

So, my hands got cold. Really cold. A young volunteer and I put our hands on the soup pot to keep warm. We were really only out there for an hour. But, my hands...I could barely move them by the time we got back to the church, which was only across the street. But, this I could do. No matter how much we struggle, someone is struggling more. I think, for me anyway...my message today is that no matter where we are it, we can help. We have value, currency, gifts to offer to our brothers and sisters.

So, today there is no denying that yesterday I was where God meant for me to be.

Not really swimming...

So, my friend Amy has supported me for years. She has been there for the joys and heartaches of everything. And, honestly there have been more bad phone calls than good. Hopefully, that will change. I feel like I have turned a corner in my personal, professional, and educational lives (respectively).

I don't know when it was. But, I know it was after I suffered a horrible bout with depression and nearly (not for lack of trying) killed myself and left my children without a mother. We were on the phone and she asked if I still felt like I was drowning. I thought for a moment. No, I wasn't drowning. But, I was still catching my breath. I still couldn't exactly see the shore (for lack of a better metaphor). So, I wasn't really swimming either. I was kind of just doing a proverbial "dog paddle".

It's hard to think of that time in my life. It's hard to remember the pain and truly feel it. I think about my friends and what they did for me. I was in the middle of recovery from so very many things. And, without my family (true friends, family that chose me, and I them) I wouldn't have made it. Amy was miles away and raising her family in D.C. She was struggling with a family situation of her own. Yet, she called me daily to make sure I was ok. Truly, I wonder if some days she wondered if I would go too far and she would have to come back under very different circumstances.

Then, there are the Jen's. At the time I was very close to three of the best girls ever, all named Jen. Now, distance has grown between some of us. However, I know that these women on some level saved my life. Perhaps the dearest of Jen allowed me to stay in her home until I could get my own apartment. She had a spare room in her town-house. But, unable to take care of myself...I slept in her bed. Who knows how much she slept? She told me to shower. She and her daughter were our family. And, truly I am uncertain if I would have gotten through that first month without her.

I guess I woke up today feeling a little sorry for myself. I am nervous about grades. Money is consistently problematic. I have to see my heart surgeon next week. I have finals. And, the list goes on and on.

But, here I am. The choices I have made. The empathy that God has given me for other's struggles. The light that shines brighter in people than I could have possibly imagined. It's not like that "footprints" poem. It's like Jesus was there with me. In those horrible moments of despair, my dearest friends, my brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit, God himself, and his Son...we were all there together.

So, some days I'm ok with seeing the shore and just not drowning. I know that my days are far deeper, more meaningful, and more joyful simply because I have become more of who I am. I no longer feel a need to be someone I am not, to hide my truth. The greatest gift I have been given is the capacity to understand the deepest of hurts, by first acknowledging and understanding my own. So, while my pain is just a memory...I can truly "see" others where they are.

Thanks to all my beautiful friend who have been light in the darkness.

See you next time!!!

Faith

“I had to suspend knowledge, in order to make room for faith.” -Immanuel Kant, Critique of Practical Reason


What we "know" via our experiences sometimes (much of the time) gets in the way of possibilities, possibilities of greatness. I argued with a very old friend (I mean seriously argued, as seriously as one can be on facebook) regarding the meaning of Carpe Diem. The individual went on and on about it having something to do with seizing the business of the day. And, I was more concerned about the verb in the sentence. It was a good twenty minutes on validating the doing of nothing. Ugh. 

SEIZE:seize/sēz/
Verb:
Take hold of suddenly and forcibly: "she jumped up and seized his arm".
Capture (a place) using force.

So another words...whatever we are seizing it needs to be forceful, actionable, the doing of something. I think that's what faith is. It's the doing, despite the opportunity to ponder indefinitely. It's the jumping off a cliff. It's writing a blog, having no idea what the reader might think. It's saying I love you to someone, not knowing if they love you. It's appreciating the transitory nature of life and time. Having faith is knowing that no matter how bad it gets today, tomorrow is new. Some tomorrows will be far worse and others will be unimaginably better. 

I guess the issue is the intellectualizing of things sometimes prevents us from acting. And, the acting...that's faith. I think that faith and reason are "married". They are in fact, partners making choices together. And, just like everything else in life...the truth lies somewhere in the middle, there is always room for doubt, temperance, creativity, sighing, being comforted, and even jumping into the unknown. 

I think that the unknown can be greater than what we know. No one likes change. It's crazy uncomfortable, it's different. Even when the change is grand and life-changing, it's different. Even when we have lived a lifetime of nonsense, destruction, abuse, violence...the possibility of greatness can seem daunting and harsh. 

I guess it's just where I am at. I've struggled with happiness. I've wrestled with understanding what "enough" is. For now, I am going to have faith in the process. Warmth, love, assurance, grace, swimming (not merely the kind of not drowning), surprises...are all possible. 

We all will continue to stumble. But, the stumbles will be less frequent. The injuries will be less catastrophic. The scars will fade. We will heal. And, faith is the process that will relieve the pains of our past and will allow us to love and be loved again.

I think my daughter is one of the best examples I have come across regarding faith. She dances every day. She stretches, she practices, she moves and grooves all the time. She has danced in some way or another since she was two. She has two parts in the Nutcracker. They are not insignificant, each part has value. But, she is understudy for 5 or 6 others (I'm bad because after five, I quit counting). After days of driving back and forth to the studio, I asked why she was doing all the extra parts, what was the incentive for her when she would most likely not see the stage in these characters? She said, "But, I will. Maybe not this year, or next. This is what I am meant to do. This is who I am meant to be. The stage is bigger than this."

And, it is bigger than this for all of us. Have faith. Thanks for having faith in me, and helping me to find it within. 


à bientôt


On another note, the project of writing this blog is done, finished, over. Though, I am uncertain if I am. I know that I am very unfinished in the deeper sense. I don't know if I will miss writing this. But, if I do...I will continue to write what is top of mind on any given day. Promises though...it might be a little more superficial on the occasion. It might be about shoes or cupcakes, the rain or a cool breeze. No expectations though. Then, neither one of us will be disappointed. Agreed?

Never to old...

So, let's start by saying...I've been feeling terribly old lately. I have two kiddos in their teenage years, I am so exhausted, I can't sleep, I have to study and reread material so much more than I used to, I have lines on my neck that appeared out of nowhere during a Disney vacation...So, I feel that I may not always be the hippest chick around.

But, I do think that there are some things we are never too old to do. For example, reinvention!!! I mean we get to make different choices, live elsewhere, take a new career opportunity, and possibly even be an entirely different human being than we once were.

But, the real opportunity for me was a change in perspective. For those that know me personally and not just in the cyber word; you know that I am not close to my mother. I made a choice when I had children to disengage in the abusiveness that she represents. I can honestly say, that is probably the one thing that I have no regrets about. I write her a letter every few years. With which, she promptly reads, disregards, pushes my grandmother away, changes her contact information, and throws it in the trash. A dear friend told me last time around that her reaction wasn't so much to hurt me, it was that God in fact wants me to make better decisions and keep good company. So, it is a message to stay away in a voice that I needed to hear. Isn't that a cool way to look at it? It's far less damaging to my psyche.

I guess the other thing that I'm starting to realize is that the spin on "bad" or "worthlessness" is in the eye of the beholder. I was speaking to someone about my admiration for the relationship he had with his mother. In fact, I was rather envious and when she left to go back home...I was really sad. I was sad that I don't miss my mother. I said that my mother was ____(not sure it should be repeated). And, I was promptly informed that she wasn't all bad because she created me. And, in that moment...I don't think I heard or felt what was said. But later, (perhaps residual, wink) it occurred to me that despite the damage people do to us, despite the inability of the individual to be good....they can still create good. And, that good can either be an accident (if you choose to believe) or divinely inspired.

So, here's to new perspectives. Thanks so much for letting me put my heart out there when I find the time. It's a space here that has allowed me to grieve loss, share in joys, and regularly vent.

Risky Business...

Happy Holidays! I hope that you had more of a Thanksgiving feast than I did. But, honestly my waistline, rear end, and blood sugars are probably all for the better. 

We missed lunch with the fam in Nebraska. And, while I did feel a little sorry for myself (listening to a sermon on "gravy" of all things---nice huh?)...it has probably been one of the best experiences in my adult life. My ballerina and I headed back on Tuesday for a photo shoot. We sang songs in the car for three hours at the top of our collective lungs, talked about girly stuff, and played to the beat of our own quirky drum. I spent a couple nights with a dear friend and her family. We made cookies and drank wine. I saw a movie with someone I love. My ballerina had some daddy time. I picked her up Thursday morning and stopped off at my aunt's house to see my family before we made the trip back home. I got to go to church, see the lights, do a little shopping, and then work my normal weekend shift.  

I guess though what I'm left with though is a conversation I had with someone that I love very much. We talked about being scared and taking risks. And, I guess it left me thinking...the biggest blessings that I have are because of risks. The kids are these unexpected...crazy, amazing,  people that I get to parent. My grandparents weren't supposed to be the ones who raised me. Well, maybe they were. But, it wasn't their plan. I've met some pretty incredible people all over the country because of moves and relocation. My plan...well, it never really works out. But, maybe...maybe it's when we allow God or the universe to work with us and we stop struggling against it, maybe that's when we can love and be loved in the way intended. Perhaps, what we think is safe...in fact, is the most dangerous of paths. Imaginably, the darkest of paths could be the brightest and most uplifting. 

I'm giggling right now because the word "paradox" was used and defined in a situation the other day. But, isn't it appropriate? (cliche but appropriate)

Thankful List

1-God. I don't know what to write here. I am thankful for being beautiful in his eyes even when I am a hot mess. I am grateful for the voice I heard a voice that told me to listen. I heard through all the noise in my head, the bad decisions, the self-doubt, the anger, sadness and frustrations with what life had become for me.

2-Abuse and poverty. I am thankful that my childhood and some of my adult relationships have been layered with abuse issues. I feel that those struggles have made me more compassionate. My empathy (perhaps there is a bone for that one too) has increased in ways that are incalculable. And, while the negative impacts have been a struggle...my "story" has allowed me to be a better friend, mother, coworker, partner, listener and healer.

3-Family. This one is big. So, I am grateful for the negative impacts family has had. And, that has only made me stronger and more able to realize the struggles of others. It has also made me thankful that my daughter has a wonderful father and to be a better mother to my own children. But, I am appreciative of  my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other extended relatives who have been integral in my success on a microscopic level.

4-My children. This goes universally. I have spent almost two decades being a mother. I can truly say that they have impacted my life in far more positive ways that any other human has. They are strong and creative. They are intuitive and wise beyond their years. They are funny. They make me laugh and cry tears of joy.

5-An ever growing list of people that have steered me in different directions with love, genuine care and compassion. This list is organic so forgive me if I miss a few...Leland Foreman, Ms. Rhodman, Fred Robertson, Shannon Malloy, Amy Black, Elizabeth T., Carol Johnson, Steve, Jason, Sarah, Emily, Cassie, Christy, Lisa, Myca, Kandi, Mary, Renee, Ryan, Julia, Brennan, Shawn, Tim, Brian, Holly, Danielle, Troy, Lauren, Chris, Jennifer, Kristopher, Mark, Claudia, Mindy, Justin, Sarah, Missy, Lindsey, Meghan, Mal, Dan, Heather, Michelle, Jen, Jaki, Scott, John, Matt, Taylor, Barbara, Molly, Maurice, Laurie, Denee, Kim, Tanya, Paula, Bob...and the list could go on and on.

6-Everything else. I am thankful for creation, love affairs, break-ups and heartaches, dance and music, laughter, books, words, warm blankets and heat, a car that drives, makeup and shoes, vintage and new, my dog, hugs, birds and nature, church, silence, noise, beauty in unlikely places, sarcasm and sensitivity, my doctors (primary, dentist, cardiologist, oncologist), therapist, and teachers.

First a vent...

Ok, so I am going to post two of these things today. I am going to get my negative one out of the way first.

I'm a little irritated today. And, maybe it's not just today. But, do you ever get the feeling that people don't really know what they want?

Let's just give an example....Say, someone that was lonely and continuously (or at least frequently complained of loneliness) indicated such in personal conversations. So, what does a friend do? Said friend invites the person to do something. Regularly. And, what does lonely person do? Well of course; they repeatedly decline offers to "hang out", ride with, or have lunch.

Or what about the people who tell you how much they want to hang out with you...yet, they spend as much time telling you how busy they are...Does that mean they are too busy? Or, does it mean you are supposed to be grateful for their time?

I guess it's just me. If I need you to listen...I ask. If I need some time alone, I say so. I don't get the games we play with each other. Ask for what you need, want, request...and then of course the other person isn't obligated. But, they have the opportunity to GIVE. That way, there are is no confusion. And, you don't feel that you are "taking" from the other person more than they wish.

Anyway, that's all on this one. Grr. Just kidding. Be thankful and love each other. My thankful list is coming up next...

Chasing Life...

Hey there. I'm getting ready for work this morning and have been thinking about a discussion that I was a part of the other day. This whole thing about longevity and the possibility of never aging. I read quite a few of the articles about Dr. Sajay Gupta's new book...appropriately titled Chasing Life. I'm quite fond of Gupta's health care and political lectures regarding the field. But, I've found this concept a little disturbing. Feel free to check it out for yourself. Below is a link to the CNN site for more information.

http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2007/chasing.life/

This is more of a philosophical (perhaps theological as well) discussion today. Does increased longevity and the possibility of evading death impact the value of life itself? I think so. Why are we careful with our children? Why is salvation important? Why believe in God? Why is any situation (almost) sufferable?

I think that the answer to all these questions is the same. Life is transient and temporary at best. Love comes and goes. Pain, loneliness, despair; they too come and go. Happiness and joy? Well, we'd like to make that "stick". But listen, something could happen in a second that makes that all a memory.

My point is...Life has value on all levels because it is transitory. The things that people struggle with are the ones that seem to never end. It's when we are succumbed by the darkness and can't even see the stars through the night. Joy can be sprinkled with sadness. Being "manic" isn't good when it takes over and makes the bipolar individual over spend, party, or live life in excess. But, many times it's what the person craves and inevitably the polarity of it takes over and judgments are skewed.

I just don't think I want to live forever. I mean, seriously? I am kind of looking forward to a nap before the after-life. And, the concept of "forever" here on earth is actually quite frightening to me. I cherish the idea of heaven and getting my old body back (prior to having kids). But also, if this is it. Yikes is all I have to say. I've lived a hundred life-time movies. And, I think that death is the ultimate reset button.

So, no thanks. I will keep my stretch-marks and frown lines. I will take my aches and pains. I will cherish my tears of joy. I will go to the doctor when I am ill or need another heart surgery. But, I will also choose to age and therefore die versus live forever.

Silencing the noise...

This was supposed to be a daily blog. I'm sorry. I am going to consider my original objectives and understand my time limitations and write only when inspiration and time permit.

Some of you know my friend Amy. Those of you who do not well...1-Are missing out on a wonderful, blatantly honest, laugh out loud friend and human being 2-But, if you don't you probably know that she is a sounding board for me. She helps me to find my way when I am lost. She pulls no punches. She'll knock the wind right out of me, if she feels that will help the situation at hand.

I know that Amy knows how important she is to me. I know (as well does she) that she has saved my life literally and figuratively on more than one occasion. She has spoken to my soul and met me in the depths of my very own hell. So, this isn't about praising her. It's about hearing the silence, the calm, the real reason for whatever it is through all the other bull shit.

I was having one of not many, but a few of my panic attacks within the last year regarding finances. I was ready to throw all of my hard work away. I was behind on bills, credit cards, groceries, utilities...AND THEN, I lost my financial aid. I mean seriously, I was at the end of my proverbial rope. So, I call vacillating between hurt and angry. And, she does the Amy thing and from thousands of miles away shakes the shit out of me until I can see the potential solutions.

That's what she does. She silences all the stupid nonsense that gets in my way. She hasn't made me more dependent. In fact; I can nearly shake the shit out of myself when necessary due to Amy's diligence.

She likened my relationships to that of the Vietnam War Dogs. She held me accountable for my poor choices. And, now...I do the same. I evaluate the people that are in my life. I quiet the noise both externally and in my own head.

Those people who suck the life out of you....you know who I am talking about? The ones that take hours of your day to convince they are worthy, or loved, smart, funny, ________(insert whatever here)...they are the ones that detract from doing the real good in life. They are the noise. Saving one person, while noble; is ineffective. Add to that, the people who truly have a need (not just one they is perceived or create) don't do it for attention or notoriety.

The people who NEED all the time and hurt all the time...they are in their own private hell and I don't want to make light of that. The problem lies in that nothing can be fixed from the outside in these circumstances. The passive aggressive, abusive, borderline behaviors...those are internal demons that simply cannot be fixed with another person as a band aid. In fact, in my experience...the problem only gets worse.

For me though, the biggest aha moment (as Oprah would say) was that eliminated or limiting interactions with this scenario of friends, familial, and romantic involvements has made me a better person. NOT helping the one or two people that sucked my soul until it was empty, has allowed me to be a better mother, friend, coworker, student, citizen etc. to countless others. And, while it might feel selfish at the time to let these relationships go...or to allow these individuals to shoulder their own burdens on some level...it's probably more selfish to stay.

Please don't misunderstand my message here. We all deserve love, to share it, to experience, to be loved, and to love others. The problem is that when we allow others to determine our worth and create unlivable situations for us. When we allow the hurts of others to define who we are, to make us somehow less than...When others ask or demand of us a dimming of our light, that is when we will suffer. But, the world will also suffer.

Love one another. But, don't let the noise drag you down. Don't let someone else define your worth. We are all created in God's image. Even Jesus suffered moments of sadness and despair. Life here on earth isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns. But, there is joy around every corner.

I'm sure that no one will be surprised...But, here's another Maya quote to finish this off...to the point and just my style:

"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." Maya Angelou.

I had the great joy of taking a class taught by Ms. Angelou on gender studies and equality. But, as I am redefining who I am, what I am worth, what I will tolerate...this quote speaks to my heart, soul, and intellect all at once. It's a barometer of sorts, like Amy.

No Egos Allowed

Had a great experience feeding the hungry. I definitely struggle with the concept of judgment in those situations though. The experience isn't about power for me. It's not..."Hey we have food and you don't...so, we are going to offer it to you." For me, it's the recognition that the homeless, transient, mentally ill, on and on and on...sometimes assert themselves in ways that might be off putting.

 But, I feel that the issue there...the aggression or the confrontation is in attempt to take back or feel power. The fact that we have food or homes or cars, housing, jobs etc. doesn't make us more powerful. It simply makes us more obligated. 

S

ometimes or quite possibly many times, the voices of people in these situations seem "silly" or don't make sense. But, people really just have a need to be "heard" or listened to. What they are saying may not make sense to us intellectually. Remember, approximately 25% of the homeless population suffers from some sort of mental illness. (I might also suppose that a large part of the general population does as well) But, it's irrelevant that what they are articulating makes sense to us. 

Perhaps the gift today wasn't the food. Perhaps the gift today wasn't even to the homeless population in the park. Perhaps the gift was the realization that we all want to be recognized, heard, and connected with. Perhaps the gift wasn't for the homeless at all. Perhaps it was a gift from God that Julia and I (along with some other friends in Christ) were able to identify with human beings that we might not have otherwise met. Could it be possible that the light and teaching was to us?

Living the Truth

I recently had a conversation with a newfound friend regarding the importance of living honestly. For me, I have mostly subscribed to this approach my entire life. However, I feel like a few years ago...perhaps more, and for nearly a decade of my adult life...I quite possibly didn't live as truthfully (or at least where my truth was concerned) as I could have. I befriended people that, to be honest I didn't like very much. I married people who had core values very different from my own. I allowed behaviors at home, work, and at school that were intolerable.

Don't get me wrong. I think we innately should all love one another. From a purely humanistic sense, we are all worthy of love and I have a deeply rooted sense of love for every person that I meet. However, the fear of rejection by others shouldn't mean that we accept the unacceptable in our own lives. One can love something or someone without liking them or tolerating the opposition of morals, values, and divisive differences.

I think for me, the real issue comes down to surrounding oneself with the type of people and relationships that are fulfilling and intentionally thoughtful. It does a disservice to the souls of one's soul and that of others, if we "accidentally" follow a relational path.


Personally, as time permits I have began to reread texts from my earlier studies in philosophy. One that (upon recollection) was truly insightful was from Castaneda's A Separate Reality where he says, "Intent is not a thought, or an object, or a wish. Intent is what can make a man succeed when his thoughts tell him that he is defeated. It operates in spite of the warrior's indulgence. Intent is what makes him invulnerable. Intent is what sends a shaman through a wall, through space, to infinity."

I think living honestly and being true to ourselves allows us to be of better service to those around us as well. If I am "less than" or let someone else imply that I'm too "big" or "bright"...I am a lesser me. If I am a lesser me, I have less to give to others. I'm not saying that we have permission to be db's. I'm simply saying that if someone wants you to be miserable with them, tolerate intolerable acts, be mistreated...that's simply not love. And, it's certainly not what God has in mind for us.

Living honestly also factors into other things. For me, the most impactful change has been that of my financial obligations. I am as most of you know...a little high maintenance. I'm kind of a brand whore. I don't think that I am entirely materialistic...but, I feel that I had the most problem with my identity regarding poverty growing up. It took many years, failed marriages, and the resolve to stay afloat to truly understand why I needed to live more simply.

Don't get my wrong. My closet it still plenty stocked. But, I have almost taken on the life of a recovering addict where "things" are concerned. I don't go to my favorite stores. I don't go on as many vacations. I shop vintage and make gifts instead of allocating funds that I don't have to things that are unnecessary. Certainly I am no expert on turning around my finances. I was able to pay for school this semester only due to a grant and the some very loving, generous friends. I was however able to put food on my table and gas in my car. I also gave away more than a hundred pairs of shoes to an organization that provided shoes for those in need. For those of you who know me, that means that there are still over a hundred pair in my closet. But, it's a start right?

I'm no longer embarrassed to say that I can't afford something or ask for financial assistance. I've come to realize that it's dishonest to pretend that I have resources in which I don't (emotional or financial in nature).

So, if you ask my opinion...I will be honest. If you ask me for assistance...I will do my best. But, I'm finally able to put my "mask on first" as they say.

Today I'm wondering...

Why do people push the ones they love away repeatedly and then proceed to be angry when the distance builds? Why do people extend themselves far beyond the capacities that they are capable of, only to be unavailable for real and true relationship obligations? Why do people need an "expert" to tell them what is right in front of their face? Why is a mirror or a best friend not enough to show people that  they are enough, they should take care of themselves, they should do better? Why is it that when people say..."I get it now" they don't necessarily?

One Foot...

I'm a big planner, a goal setter, I like measures of success. But, I realize that some things are immeasurable...kisses from a tween age daughter, a "love you" from a rarely emoting son, a kind word from a stranger.

But, bigger than that...sometimes BIG or HUGE goals need to be broken up into tiny aspirations. Sometimes, we just need to begin something. Sometimes, somedays just waking up...moving, creating; even when it's not our best work is a measure of our worth.

So today, it's one foot in front of the other. Today, the fact that I suited up matters more than the grade.

A little rant...

I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss two issues very dear to my heart; judgment and body art.

The first being judgment...aren't we all here for the same reason? I mean really? Don't we all want to be loved, respected, successful, creative, productive??? Why does the packaging matter so much? Is my heart or mind somehow less so because I have my ears, nose, labia, or tongue pierced? Or don't?

I just don't get it. A friend of mine posted a comment in her status on facebook today regarding something about customer service individuals and the inappropriateness of tattoos and piercings. Yikes. She even likened it to wearing a band aid over a hickey. I'm going to make the hickey remarks very brief because I think that the comparison is ridiculous. Body art in it's best form is a thoughtful reflection. Whereas, a hickey is the "leftovers". It shows the world where your sexuality is or was last night.

I guess I just wonder why it matters? She indicated that she felt judged for not having tattoos or wanting them. Really? Seriously? I have never in my life been compelled to say..."Why don't you have any tattoos? You must be____" Body art is such an immensely personal thing. I mean the first ink I got are my children's names. The next was my Ichthus. Faith and family...what's there to judge about that. And, even if...I can appreciate some good artwork that doesn't represent my faith or family. I have a lower back piece and two butterflies (one on each foot) that remind my of hope and my great-grandmother.

But, the sleeve (that isn't quite finished) on my right arm is the one I get the most compliments on. It also brings be comfort. One, the artwork is beautiful. The artist is Donn Davis with TATTOOAGOGO in New Orleans. He is a great guy, the shop is beautiful and I can't wait to go back and get it finished. Most of you who know me, know of my love for the city. And, Donn's shop is also right across from Juan's Flying Burrito...a local treasure that you can eat one handed, while getting a tattoo.

Most importantly though, is probably the meaning to me. My sleeve is of Japanese cherry blossoms. They are beautiful and come are falling...The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

I think that those of us who are finding our way through this journey of life...it's nice to have something that reminds us to enjoy each moment, good and bad. Blink and you'll miss a pirouette, a heartache, love, a wink, a laugh. Everything passes. Kids grow up, heartache dissipates, a laugh fades. My right arm reminds me to savor each and every moment.

But, it doesn't make me less. It doesn't make me less thoughtful, intelligent, caring, loving, articulate. It also doesn't make me more of anything. It doesn't make me a criminal, a liar, delinquent. It also doesn't make one who chooses not to have artwork on their body less of anything.

God loves each and every one of us...with and without (not just talking about tattoos and piercings here)...let's just keep that in mind before we judge.

Here's a couple of my favorite links and a photo...

http://tattooagogo.com/home.html

http://juansflyingburrito.com/

Gratitude

Today, I'm not going to complain or be negative about a single thing. Today my mantra is "swimming in gratitude". I am leaving for work in a few minutes and I am going to do my best to treat every potentially negative thing that comes up today as a possibility for greatness.

So, to start this process I thought that I would start with a little stream of consciousness regarding things that I am thankful and/or grateful for. Please don't get your feeling hurt if I don't mention you specifically...if you are reading this, I am grateful for you.

Additionally, I might list something that someone thinks I shouldn't be grateful for...maybe that's the point. I am grateful for my mother and her mistreatment of me...it taught me how to be a better mother. But, I'm not going to list why I am grateful for each thing, person, feeling, emotion. I am just going to make a list and live it today.

So here it goes...

I am grateful for Amy, Steve, Matt, Shannon, Jill, Julia, Brennan, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sister, brother, mother, father, Fred, Leland, Jason, Tiffany, Scott, Cassie, Heather, Sarah, all the Jens in my life, life, health, creativity, Dr. Gray, Ms. Rhodeman, Dr. Sonnenschein, Dr. Conces, Pastor Foreman, Mindy, Dave, Renee, Nancy, Marv's, Kristopher and Jennifer, Barbara, Lisa, Danielle, Dez, Kandi, Dr. Bingham, Shawn, Josh, Joey, Justin, Tracey, Tim, Sarah, Alan, Brian, Tim, Jaki, Michelle, Ed, Mona, Shannon, Tara, Mark, Kim...and so many more. I am thankful for wine, cupcakes, rain, food, books, the bible, my faith, tears, heartache, love, children that I'm able to miss because I loved them as my own, music, electricity, degrees, culinary school, dance, Scottsdale, New York City, the beach, disney, running, shoes, LOVE and so many more things.

I thought of some more...I'm thankful for my first job, my faith, a great tattoo artist named Donn, New Orleans, the ballet, Nina Friday's art, the mountains, the trees, people that impact me (and don't even know it), people I impact (and maybe don't know it), Maya Angelou, this chick I met years ago on a plane and I can't remember her name..

I'm on a time budget today...I could go on for hours. But, I think just a daily reminder.

Until later mwah

Miss me???

Hey all! Did you miss me? I missed the blog too. But, I took a couple of days off and worked pretty hard. I've been busy as usual with school and work. Plus, the kids have had needs that are typical for this time of the year. We are getting ready for One Elegant Evening with AYB. Don't forget to order your tickets. The night is wonderful with food and wine at Californos. It's finished by a silent auction and performances from the dancers. 

http://www.americanyouthballet.org/oee.html


Plus, my son has began a culinary career with the Broadmoor program. He needs knives, transportation, money...and he's a junior. So, we've had mixers, dances, drama and other things that go with being a high-schooler. Here's the link for the Bistro. Again, foodies this will not disappoint. And, it's a great value for the money. 

http://www.broadmoorbistro.org/

With all of that going on, I've been able to maintain my B's in Physiology and Anatomy respectively. Seriously though, I need an A in at least one of these classes. So, if any of you have some tips...I'd be glad to listen.

Oh, and a wonderful angel has gifted our family a not new...but, wonderful singer sewing machine. If anyone knows the workings of one of these beauties, I would be ever so grateful for a tutorial. She and I aren't getting along very well. In fact, we have had arguments the last two evenings. So, we are both in a time out.

Last week I feel was more balanced. I missed class because I was ill. But, I made it to my tutor. Who, by the way, is another absolute angel in my life. She has made me so much more confident in my capacity for the sciences. Who are we kidding? At this stage of life...learning/memorizing is so much harder.

And, today I got into a little car accident. I'm trying to be positive or I would rant about the horrible driving that Johnson County can boast. Grr is all I am going to say. So, I inevitably missed work. But, so it goes right? Anyway, the car isn't too damaged. And, neither am I...at least from the accident lol. 

I was able to do a little thrift shopping and found an amazing dress for a steal. And, see Danielle for a few minutes. I was able to go to the parent meeting for dance. 

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading. I'm trying to stay focused and positive. All in all, I feel fairly successful. 

Have a great day...mwah.

What if?

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" Galileo

Do you have people in your life that you love no matter what? I mean, I know we all do...kids, parents, siblings etc. But, I mean this person that no matter how much they annoy you, how much they push you away, how much they get in their own way...you can't walk away from them. I struggle with those kind of people. The people that I feel drawn to, not because I think they are perfect. But, because they have this "energy" that just kind of pulls me in.

I know some of you might say...well, that's just because you are codependent or setting yourself up to fail. But, what if it's not? What if we are matched up by fate, God, or the universe with our soul mate. What if that person is just serious #$%#@'d up. Does it mean you walk away? If you walk away from them in that moment, when he/she is at his/her worst...do you deserve them when they are sane and healthy? 

I think you can have boundaries. I just know that you don't "give up". What if that's your "person"? What if who you are meant to be, depends on finding the person you were meant to be with? 

Anyway...I suppose that today I have more questions than answers. Until next time, mwah. 

Service and Sarcasm

For those of you that remember...I lost my full-time job last month. And, while my finances have been hit pretty profoundly...my spirit has been soaring.

I work two other part-time service positions. I love serving. I mean some days it's just a joke, like anything else. Others, bring joy and a significant amount of cash for the time put in. I work at a semi-fine restaurant and a deli. So, I get the best of both worlds. This week, the place that I am just kind of on-call for called...I worked two off-site events. And, had the time of my life doing it. It's funny, because I don't think either event was planned or organized very well. But, I was appreciated and respected for who I am.

I worked three shifts at the deli this week too. I made great money. I mean, I'm not paying off any debts or anything. But, my tip percentage was huge. The best part of my week was yesterday when these two ladies cracked up the entire time. They were probably late thirties. And, we just kind of gave each other s@#$. I mean all the way until they paid and one had a Chiefs Visa. They said they would have paid for the show...Hell, they did, didn't they? I mean they tipped me like 30%.

These are the days that it all makes sense. I pray that they continue...Until next time, mwah

It's a marathon

I believe in honestly, to it's fullest. I believe good or bad we can get through things with honestly. Let me tell you though...I have gotten myself in quite the pickle being honest. And, I have learned that telling the truth doesn't always mean that I have a right to insert myself into other's situations. When asked, I am more than willing to give my opinion. And, I promise it's filtered inasmuch as I am capable of filtering it. I realize I hurt people's feelings sometimes. It's rarely (I won't say never) intentional.

But, I think that the real issue is what we are capable of. If I tell you that I can't or don't have it in me to deal with something. Why is it necessary to keep pushing? I am just learning to say no to things and people. It is perhaps, the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am letting go of people who intentionally and unintentionally, literally or figuratively, suck the life out of me.

There are those people in life who are only takers. They rarely give back. Maybe they are capable and choose not to. Maybe they give with others, just not with me. Well, back to that "cup of tea" post...if that's the case, the relationship isn't a good fit for either of us.

Take this if nothing else...take this quote from Dr. Phil (I know...but, it makes sense), "You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot."

Ok, so I am partly responsible for allowing abuse and mistreatment. I buy that. So, I say to you..."Hey, please don't do that. I'm full right now, please don't overfill. I don't have time today, maybe next week...etc." My friend, partner, lover, child chose not to listen. At this point the boundary is my responsibility to enforce. Sure, maybe it was a mistake or they didn't get it. But, after the 3rd or 100th time...the consequence is termination of the relationship. It's unfortunate that I have had to do this with family. I obviously cannot do this with my children...we are stuck with each other. And, I wouldn't have it any other way. But, for those of us who choose to be in each other's lives...I think we owe it to ourselves to walk away from those toxic relationships that suck the life out of us.

I believe in second chances. S#$%, I believe in 50th chances. God knows I have been given so many "resets" in my life. The question is...when do you stop and choose yourself over the noise? I wish I knew. I wish that I had some sort of enlightened capacity to know...Ok, well this person is this way and never going to change. But, I don't there is always hope for me. That's not a good gauge though. Capacity for change? Sure, we all have it. What we are capable of is HUGE. Does anyone ever really do what they are capable of? And, shouldn't that line of abuse of power, time, sex, physical, etc. never be crossed anyway.

I don't know. The more I read, write, learn, listen to others...the more I realize that I still have a lot to learn. I am hopelessly flawed. Really, so is everyone else. It's just when those jagged bits (the scars, the flaws, the scabs) rub on each other and hurt the one's we love the most. Maybe that's when we have the answer. I do know that life isn't some sprint...it's a marathon. And, when you think you can't make it any further...there's a rest area, or a castle ahead. And, that each leg of the race is different and temporary. Some parts you feel as though you could run forever. Some parts of the race feel like a war with your mind and your body. But, nothing feels like the top of a tough hill, the wind in your face, the blisters on your heels, or crossing the finish line. So, lace up your running shoes...

It's the little things...

I believe that blessings in my life come in the form of a light mist. I mean, God doesn't just rain on me...But, for the most part he gives me just enough to keep me praying, living, wanting more, and working harder. It doesn't quite quench my thirst. It's like a slight rain during a drought. The ground is still thirsty and longing for more. But, it's just enough that things look a little greener, brighter, more possible.

I also have a theory about my expenses coming in $300.00 increments as well. My ridiculous car payment is $300.00 biweekly (it's a long story, and yes I drive a KIA), my school payments were $300.00 per month for three months, orthodontics, my utility bill,  the list goes on and on. But, it would seem the my blessings or extras also come in $300.00 increments. Isn't that cool? I mean, I got an odd refund for overpayment on something (not really sure how that ever happened), a scholarship which paid one of my $300.00 payments regarding school.

So, today I'm thankful for the "light mist" of rain in the middle of my financial drought. I can only hope that once I get this all figured out...maybe I can give someone else a little mist.

Shoes

I want to preface this by acknowledging anyone who knows me, knows that I sometimes have an unhealthy relationship with shoes. At one point, (best or worst depending on perspective) I counted 312 pairs not including flip-flops. I can't get into in right now. But, somehow I've rationalized flip-flops don't count as shoes.

I have from Michael Kors and Coach to vintage and Payless in my closet. I lust after them. I pin heartily. And, when finances are at their worst....I know that a new pair of shiny heels would make me feel better. Regarding Pinterest, I formerly just had a board titled My Style. But, I found that it got a little crowded. So, in the past few days I have established a board with the simple title: Shoes.

http://pinterest.com/monicakoenig/shoes/


The board is still in it's infancy. But, due to the recent (well not so recent, but newly accepted conditions) economic conditions of my household...I simply get my "fix" virtually. I can still use Divine Caroline, Netaporter, Bluefly, Top Shop, and Refinery for inspiration. Oooh, and by the way www.6PM.com  is the best place on the internet to find a deal from shoes to sunglasses. 

I'm certainly not lacking in the shoe department. I don't have enough closet shelving to house all of my therapeutic purchases. I'm doing ok. But, for a girl that notices the individuals shoes...it's very difficult not to invest a little in myself when fall comes upon us. 

Anyway, lighthearted blog today. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a comment on what you've enjoyed or perhaps something you feel is Pinworthy for fall. 

It is what it is...

I got home from work tonight. It's been a really rough day. I have a test tomorrow. I rushed home to veg and watch t.v. with one of my favorite people in the world. Julia and I watch the X-Factor. Which, I have never been a fan of. But, we got tickets this summer and she got to take a friend and sit in the front row of taping.


So, I worked two jobs today. I have a huge anatomy test in the morning. My anxiety is through the roof. But, I really wanted to feel tonight and even though the kids were fighting, I had a million things I could be focusing on...I felt a gentle nudge to just snuggle and watch this show.


We get our messages from God, the Universe, or wherever you believe...from the unlikeliest of places. We watched some bad performances and some good. But, there was this girl at the Rhode Island auditions that told her story. She had the wing tattoo like Demi. She had a similar story of being bullied and mistreated. She was me. But, she was 19 and still had choices and just a little baggage...her load isn't quite as heavy from bad choices.


So, she told her story and it came time to sing her song. The song was Jesse J's "Who You Are". And, let me say this tiny little 19 year-old, brunette had some pipes. She belted out painful lyric after painful lyric. I was in near tears with just the sound of her voice in my head. It was haunting and rough. I wonder if that's what I sounded like at 19.


But, the moment for me (you know the one, it precedes the "ugly cry" moment) was when she sang verse:

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

I'm headed to bed soon. I am getting up before the sun. I need to do some major studying for anatomy. I just needed to know that I was OK where I am...I needed someone to tell me that it's OK to feel whatever it is I'm feeling, good or bad. Today was bad. But, tomorrow...that's an entirely different day. Who knows what will come. But, I know that it's finally OK to feel and I don't have to numb it anymore. In fact, the numbing of it might be part of what got me here in the first place.


Thanks for reading...and mwah to those who need it most today.

The meaning of words...

I think people take big words and use them in miniscule situations. Like the word survive. Huge right? I am going to use the definition of: to continue in existence or use after (a passage of time, an adversity, etc.). I struggle. Because my cup might hold more or less than someone else's. I might be able to tolerate something better or worse than say you for example. 

Aha, tolerate...that's a better word. I tolerated that test, vaccination, afternoon with my grandmother. But, to say that I survived it...hmmm. That to me is more of a war situation. Like, I survived cancer...I did by the way, twice. Or, I survived being shot five times. Nope, thank God that is one situation that I haven't had to face. But, to say I survived the first day of school? How is that even an option? Was there an option of not surviving, say dying at the end or during the process? 

I don't know. I just think words have meaning. When someone says "I don't know how you do it". I start to take a step back...before, I'd get defensive. But, what they really mean...is they don't understand. And, it's really an "awe" kind of thing. For me, I took it as a judgement or a criticism, or even a prediction of failure. But, it isn't. It's like when I go to a Cirque du Soleil show and I sit in wonderment watching the performance. I really don't fathom how the performers summoned the strength to lift, carry, be flexible enough to do whatever they do day in and day out. And, when my girlfriend tells me that she doesn't know how I do it...she means it.

I would argue that words have meaning and they are inherent to us all. But, not always. Perhaps surviving is really what it's all about. Perhaps that somedays just getting out of bed is a struggle. God knows I have been there. I think that quite possibly we all are capable of different things. And, as I get older...the shades of gray (no relevance to the writings) seem to be more and more plausible than the black and white scenarios of my past.

So, when my friend tells me next month that she doesn't know how I do it...I'm going to do my best to not be snarky with her. And, for those of you that know me personally...in my head it goes like this usually..."I do it because I don't have a choice. I do it because, failing isn't an option. I do it because there is no one to bail me out. I do it because I am ready for a better life and the only way I am going to get there is through this short term nonsense." I am going to say..."Thank you for recognizing that it has been difficult for me. Thanks for seeing me through all of this."

Not Your Cup of Tea?

This is the first post in my new blog. Heya! Truly, I am not sure that anyone is going to read it. Personally, I don't care. Ok, so it starts already? The bitchiness. No, not really. It's more of a...this is my therapy page. I have used facebook as more of a therapeutic form of communication. And, I'm not gonna lie. It's been rather cathartic. It's been the most rewarding when people send me messages saying how inspiring my posts have been.

Over the past few years I have adopted the phrase,"I'm not everyone's cup of tea." I think that about sums it up. Not everyone likes me. Finally, for the first time ever...I am ok with that. I kind of tended to "buy" friends in highschool. A couple people noticed it. They'd say,"Wow she is so mean to you. And, there you go sharing your gum (insert shoes, dinner, clothes, life) with her." I would buy extravagant gifts for birthday parties of people I barely knew.

Still into adulthood, I collected friends. I have people in my life that will rarely assist me in a time of need. I had a major emergency and was detained for 24 hours and people who lived mere miles from me were too busy to go let me dog out. Yes, that was a couple of years ago. I have let it go, oddly enough. But, right now it serves as an example. And, for those of you who know what situation this was...it was humiliating to ask for help, much less be rejected.

I was recently offered a job. It was strange because I didn't think the chef liked me at all. Let's just clarify, dislike is a kind word. He was confrontational (if confrontational was on steroids) even at the interview. And, aren't employers nicest when they are interviewing? So, I didn't  think they were going to offer me the position. It was a management job. But, that afternoon...pause...I got the offer. They wanted me to start the next day. Really? I can't say that I ignored my gut, because I worked two other jobs and just went to part-time, on call.

I forged ahead. It was a restaurant that they wanted to open in a week. My partner in crime (the other manager) and I worked 16 hour days. We wrote training manuals, interviewed, made phone calls, and trained staff. We did this in a matter of days. Without fail, every single day that I showed up to this place that I was pouring everything into...the chef would tell me how stupid I was, he would argue about service (it's left to right people!!!!), why wasn't this done...He would criticize me in front of the staff. It became kind of a joke. And, I truly tried to roll with it.

Last week (after working on yet another batch of operational documents) my position was terminated. I didn't cry. I mean what's that Maya Angelou quote? Oh yeah! "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I loved this job. It was super fulfilling and exhausting. I loved the staff, the owners wife, the food, our guests. The owner/chef wasn't only rude and abusive to me. But, also my staff. I felt that leaving was going to be hard for them too. Where was their buffer between the abuse now?

Ok, so the moment I was thinking that last question in my car on the way home...I pulled over. I was like wtf? Seriously. I went back into another...ANOTHER...abusive situation. And, my servers were like children that I was trying to protect. Thank GOD that I wasn't "his" cup of tea in this situation. Because, had I stayed who knows what the outcome would have been.

Anyway, I needed a reminder of what I will and will not tolerate in my life. And, though I am not pursuing romantic relationships, my professional relationships carry with them consequences as well. I'm so grateful that I was rejected in this situation. I will be back working the other two jobs this week. I am still working on the nursing prerequisites. And, I had a lovely weekend with people I love and care about.