"What Dreams May Come"

In "What Dreams May Come," "Chris Neilson dies to find himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of. There is one thing missing: his wife. After he dies, his wife, Annie killed herself and went to hell. Chris decides to risk eternity in hades for the small chance that he will be able to bring her back to heaven."imdb


I keep thinking about the death of Robin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014). And, because I am no different from anyone else...I relate his life/death to my own. I think about this movie and remind myself that it is exactly that, a MOVIE. Chris and Annie end up spending eternity together. He traverses heaven and hell to locate her. He saves her from the demons that pull her inward.

There are at least 50 of my friends that have posted things on Facebook that go something like this, "Hey friends, please tell me (when you are in a good place) what you need when you are in a dark/bad/sad/lonely place. Because, I/we need you and can't fathom a world without you in it." Or, what about my "Christian" friends who refer to the act of suicide as selfish or condemn the individual to hell.

I will address the first sentiment. I think it's amazing that the world, our friend, and family care so deeply that they want to help. But, let's talk about this monster depression. First of all...the world can't save us, a night out won't save us, your love, your friendship, can't make it better. You see, these demons, dark shadows, and hopeless moments are so far inside of us...we sometimes don't recall they exist. Until...they do, and they consume our very personality. You might not see it, because we've become very good at being "on", going with the flow, sucking it up, pretending we are OK. We are the tough cookies, hard as nails, funny guys/gals. We give so much outwardly, we love unconditionally, we cry for you, take on your pain (knowing that you don't require or ask it of us, yet...somehow we can't avoid it), our hearts break for a world that we cannot fix, and then we come to the realization that we cannot fix what is wrong with us.

OK, so there's the crazy talk...I know today as I sit at my computer and listen to my dog howl, my daughter giggle...life is good. Yeah, it's messed up and people die. But, overall...it's a beautiful world we live in. But, depression is a bitch. She coats everything with this shadow of pain. Laughing hurts, crying hurts more, pretending hurts...but, being honest and vulnerable...that is the monster of all demons. Because, when we are in it...we can't imagine that anyone is as screwed up and damaged as we are. We still love you and realistically, the issue is that we don't want to infect you, the world, those we love with this bs disease that we can only imagine as a plague of darkness desiring to take over the world. So, it would be easier...to make some other decisions, to end things.

I made a choice in 2006, it wasn't the first time. But, it was perhaps the worst bout of depression I have ever experienced. I've had many since. But, none that damaging, dark, or extreme. I'm lucky. I took 60 pills and only have some mild kidney damage. I HATE therapy, especially the part about finding a new therapist and telling him/her my story. But, it keeps me involved and holds me accountable. I've been off of medication for two years. I'm not sure that I will be off forever. For now, I'm holding my own.

The other stuff...let's stop with all the judgements. You didn't choose to tear your ACL, have a heart attack, or suffer from breast cancer. Robin Williams didn't choose to die this way. I'm certain that if he could have chosen...he would have wished to walk his daughter down the aisle, rock grandchildren to sleep, and grow old with his beautiful wife. He was kidnapped, and dragged kicking and screaming to a dark dungeon of a place...a place that no one should be subjected to. And, I believe that he experienced a Hell that many of us can only imagine. The God that holds my hand and softly whispers for me to "get up, it's a new day", is a God of love and mercy. I simply cannot imagine that God doing anything less than comforting Robin and drying the tears of our most beloved clown.

I love you all...and hope that when you are in your dark place...you can truly remember, there is light...these moments are all temporary, transient, impermanent. Today...feel the son on your face, laugh a little, play with puppies...tomorrow will come.

 Peace, M

Trying to find my way back to blogging...

My last blog was more than a month ago. We had just moved to NC. I still love it, by the way. However, I've found the dining out options a little (much) lacking. I've been assured both that I just haven't been to the right spots yet...and, that our area does not boast of what I've experienced in the KCMO, NYC, Omaha, and Phoenix areas. Honestly, if that is all I really miss (friends and family aside)...I'll take it.

This post will ramble. I'm planning on it....I think we need to catch up and get reacquainted with one another.

School officially starts in about two weeks. J and I have orientation on the same day. WTH? My littlest one is going to be a Freshman and I am a first year div student. B is back in KS and has some planning of his own to do. He decided NY wasn't for him and that he is going to work his way up the figurative food chain of the food business. His decision nearly wrecked me (and our finances). However, I've decided to help when asked and allow him to find his way. If you wouldn't mind saying a little prayer for B and my sanity...I would be very grateful.

J is finding her way here too. She has volunteered with VBS at church. She has an "in" at a local vet clinic and plans on volunteering there as well. Additionally, she seems to have found a great fit for her with a local dance company. We've started a donation page to help defer some of the massive costs associated with serious dance study...

To help J reach her dreams...donate here

Above is probably what I am most grateful for today...It's quiet in the bungalow and the rev. and I are sitting on the couch watching nonsense. The three other ladies of the house are sleeping off a rough day. Eleanor Rigby is the husky on the left (near the coffee table), Penny Lane is the shelter special in the middle (near the TV), and J is sleeping in her chair...Missing B a bit, but it's nice sharing this with them.

I recently went back to Fremont for my mumble 20 mumble year reunion. I need to apologize to a lot of people. I drank waaaay too much. I can honestly say that I haven't been drunk, really drunk in a great many years. Saturday was why. But, let me give you a bit of context. My ex-husband died a few years ago. And, the whole thing was just a mess. This is my son's father, they guy I saved myself for, blah blah. Anyway, we graduated together, got married, had a baby...got divorced...needless to say it wasn't ideal. And, I'm not going to say anything negative about him here. It's unfair and unrelated.

So, I decided to go back to this town...this town that haunts me for so many reasons. Paid a ridiculous amount of money for dinner, flight, a hotel and on...But, my dear friend Cassie picked out a table and drinking commenced. All the tables had pages copied out of our yearbook...I don't have any of mine. I've lived all over the country and I'm certain they are lost for good. But, anyhoo...guess what page what on our table??? Yup, dead ex husband and first many things.

So, I thought I would be ok with it. We continued to drink btw I only drink wine and hard alcohol. This particular event require the hard stuff (double vodka cranberries), until I had to start paying for my own. Lame. So, we ventured in to eat...the food was awful. AWFUL. I tried a couple of bites. I don't carry my few extra for no reason...I like good food.

So, I chose not to eat and continued to drink. Anyway, it went downhill fast...I said things I regret and danced probably quite poorly. So, I'M ssooooooo sorrry. I know global apologies are unfair...so, if I own you a personal one...remind me and I will get right on that.

Should have known it was gonna be rough when there was a Shriner's Train on the highway...

The next couple of pics are something I'm truly grateful for...I found a great artist (rather someone found me at a meet-up and suggested him), C.W. Eldridge. This guy is a legend. Seriously, he is amazing and has a great story. Anyway, I've wanted a cover-up of an awful piece of work...I love the theology, hate the place I was and the art. So, Chuck is fantastic and came up with an amazing creation...I love it and it will continue up my arm...plus, here's the meaning behind it : Lotus flowers mean purity of speech, mind, and body....rising above the waters of desire and attachment. the lotus is a symbol for awakening to the spiritual reality of life. 

So...for what it's worth...I have some closure and and a beautiful and spiritual something on my arm. Don't get me wrong, I'm not "pure"...but, the place I'm in a place of acceptance of myself and others. 

Old ick...

New Love...
http://www.tattooarchive.com/

Anyway...that's what's up with me...next time I will post something more substantive. See you on the other side...Always, M