Every year Mother's Day hits me like a freight train. It's expected and consistently painful. I grieve the mother I should have had and the mother I could have been with the right guidance. I send a card to my grandmother in the same routine way. I know she needs to know how much I love her and that I know she did her best.
Last week the sermon at church was about the "Trinity" and specifically the "Father" part. It's funny, because I really thought that it was going to talk about traits and similarities between "earthly" and "heavenly" fathers. Yeah. But, no...The sermon utilized the 1960 book "Are You My Mother?" by Dr. Seuss. I listened intently as the story of a wonderful minister unfolded. He spoke of his absent father and his "sainted" mother who filled in the gaps. I choked back the tears as my daughter looked at me and flatly said..."That must suck." She knows I hate that word. But, later as we were cooking...we had a heart to heart. She asked how it made me feel to hear wonderful stories of loving parents. She knows how wonderful my grandparents were to me growing up. But, she knows that they didn't really have an impact until I was ten.
And, to answer her question...It so sucks. I don't understand that kind of love. I can give it...I think. But, then there are days that I wonder. Am I really capable of loving unconditionally? If I have never experienced that kind of love, how will I know that I am giving it to my children? I guess I just know. I have faith in myself. I mother people that don't ask for it. I make sure they go to the doctor when they are sick. I remind them to take their vitamins. I feed people. So...maybe what I didn't experience is exactly what allows me to give it to others.
This year Mother's Day shares the weekend of AYB's Spring Ballet. Which means, my daughter is spending the weekend with her daddy and his family. I am so happy for her. It is the first time her grandmother is going to see her dance. The costumes are new and her "Big Sister" is giving her final company performance in the fantastic role of "Firebird".
There are no plans for breakfast in bed, flowers, or even sitting next to my kiddos in church. My son will be working at the restaurant. He's a great server and he makes me so proud. Being his manager is so much easier than being a mother.
But, I will miss them. I know that this Sunday is really no different than any other Sunday. I am blessed beyond belief to wake up everyday and have my family right in front of me. I am blessed to have children that aren't afraid to tell me what they think of me. I am blessed to watch them grow and learn. I am blessed to see them make mistakes and poor choices, despite my advice. I know they can't appreciate how much I love them. I am so glad that they are able to take that for granted. Because, I know that one day they will be grown. They will have their own children to love. And, they will know that they were wanted, loved, and I picked them.
Happy Mother's Day!!!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Songs of Faith
Recently, the church I attend had a sermon series that focussed on songs of faith. I'd like to address a couple of songs that have impacted my spiritual journey. I grew up in the church. I can sing nearly every traditional hymn by heart without aid of hymnal or screen. I understand that many of my peers cannot. For me, church was a refuge, home away from home, and a space that challenged me to hear and feel not only my personal pain...But, the pain of others.
I could spend time addressing those first few hymns that I have listed. I could. But, I want to address something far more important. Songs speak to us. Some songs like "Hallelujah" (thank you Amy...ish for bestowing this recognition of brokenness), bring us to our knees. For me, this song reminds me of my own brokenness after a failed marriage, massive depression, and moment of complete desperation. But, it also reminds me of how much I was loved...when, I was incapable of loving myself and probably the most unloveable. Yes, God loved me in the metaphysical sense and I had moments of the reassurance from that voice inside of me. But, it was through the distance of my friend gifting me this song, the countless friends who stopped by to make sure I had showered, the love and forgiveness that those who loved me in this world expressed; that's where my faith in God and in myself was revealed.
One has to have context when looking at their own faith story. The tattoo thing comes up for me again and again. For me, beauty and pain aren't so far removed. For me...I can't forget the violence, abuse, trauma, and pain of my own childhood. However, I can do my best to accept what happened and love through that space. For me, art/beauty/loveliness has come at a price. Recovery from anything is a daily struggle. I am not an alcoholic...though, I would suggest that my addiction is just as harmful. For years, I would seek out people that would hurt me. They made it very clear. I talked a big game...But, what we think we deserve; is what we pursue. For me, the ink is a daily reminder of my resolve to do right by God...by doing right by me first.
I think my love of vintage clothes and furniture is also a reflection. Worn, weary, damaged goods have value. I think by acknowledging that simple concept; I am able to acknowledge that I too (worn, weary, damaged, unloved at times) have inherent and intrinsic value.
This is a blog...not a book. So, I can't exactly go into each and every song that has brought me comfort in my journey a long the way. Below, I have listed a few though. I'd love to discuss my reasons for each as well as hear your faith stories discussions of personal song selections.
I know that many of you who read this might not adore Sarah McLachlan (understatement)...But, this is my mantra and I borrow it nearly every day and pray to and for myself...and you...
"And don't you know that why
Is simply not good enough,
Oh, so just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you,
I'll show you why
You're so much more than good enough" Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Towards Ecstasy 1994
Until next time...Peace...M
Songs of My Faith
"Wade in the Water"
"Amazing Grace"
"How Great Thou Art"
"It Is Well With My Soul"
The Smith's "How Soon Is Now"
Toad the Wet Sprocket "Brother"
Tracy Chapman "Behind the Wall"
Natalie Merchant "Trouble Me"Tracy Chapman "Mountains of Things"
Genesis "Jesus He Knows Me"
Jeff Buckley's version "Hallelujah"Depeche Mode "Personal Jesus"
Donna Summer "I believe in Jesus"
George Harrison "My Sweet Lord"
Dishwalla "Counting Blue Cars"
Joan Osborn "One of Us"
Daughtry "Outta My Head"Jars of Clay "Flood"
U2 "Gloria"
Sara McLachlan "Sweet Surrender"Cat Stevens "Morning Has Broken"
Creed "My Own Prison"
I could spend time addressing those first few hymns that I have listed. I could. But, I want to address something far more important. Songs speak to us. Some songs like "Hallelujah" (thank you Amy...ish for bestowing this recognition of brokenness), bring us to our knees. For me, this song reminds me of my own brokenness after a failed marriage, massive depression, and moment of complete desperation. But, it also reminds me of how much I was loved...when, I was incapable of loving myself and probably the most unloveable. Yes, God loved me in the metaphysical sense and I had moments of the reassurance from that voice inside of me. But, it was through the distance of my friend gifting me this song, the countless friends who stopped by to make sure I had showered, the love and forgiveness that those who loved me in this world expressed; that's where my faith in God and in myself was revealed.
One has to have context when looking at their own faith story. The tattoo thing comes up for me again and again. For me, beauty and pain aren't so far removed. For me...I can't forget the violence, abuse, trauma, and pain of my own childhood. However, I can do my best to accept what happened and love through that space. For me, art/beauty/loveliness has come at a price. Recovery from anything is a daily struggle. I am not an alcoholic...though, I would suggest that my addiction is just as harmful. For years, I would seek out people that would hurt me. They made it very clear. I talked a big game...But, what we think we deserve; is what we pursue. For me, the ink is a daily reminder of my resolve to do right by God...by doing right by me first.
I think my love of vintage clothes and furniture is also a reflection. Worn, weary, damaged goods have value. I think by acknowledging that simple concept; I am able to acknowledge that I too (worn, weary, damaged, unloved at times) have inherent and intrinsic value.
This is a blog...not a book. So, I can't exactly go into each and every song that has brought me comfort in my journey a long the way. Below, I have listed a few though. I'd love to discuss my reasons for each as well as hear your faith stories discussions of personal song selections.
I know that many of you who read this might not adore Sarah McLachlan (understatement)...But, this is my mantra and I borrow it nearly every day and pray to and for myself...and you...
"And don't you know that why
Is simply not good enough,
Oh, so just let me try
And I will be good to you
Just let me try
And I will be there for you,
I'll show you why
You're so much more than good enough" Good Enough, Sarah McLachlan Fumbling Towards Ecstasy 1994
Until next time...Peace...M
Songs of My Faith
"Wade in the Water"
"Amazing Grace"
"How Great Thou Art"
"It Is Well With My Soul"
The Smith's "How Soon Is Now"
Toad the Wet Sprocket "Brother"
Tracy Chapman "Behind the Wall"
Natalie Merchant "Trouble Me"Tracy Chapman "Mountains of Things"
Genesis "Jesus He Knows Me"
Jeff Buckley's version "Hallelujah"Depeche Mode "Personal Jesus"
Donna Summer "I believe in Jesus"
George Harrison "My Sweet Lord"
Dishwalla "Counting Blue Cars"
Joan Osborn "One of Us"
Daughtry "Outta My Head"Jars of Clay "Flood"
U2 "Gloria"
Sara McLachlan "Sweet Surrender"Cat Stevens "Morning Has Broken"
Creed "My Own Prison"
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