A little rant...

I'm going to take this opportunity to discuss two issues very dear to my heart; judgment and body art.

The first being judgment...aren't we all here for the same reason? I mean really? Don't we all want to be loved, respected, successful, creative, productive??? Why does the packaging matter so much? Is my heart or mind somehow less so because I have my ears, nose, labia, or tongue pierced? Or don't?

I just don't get it. A friend of mine posted a comment in her status on facebook today regarding something about customer service individuals and the inappropriateness of tattoos and piercings. Yikes. She even likened it to wearing a band aid over a hickey. I'm going to make the hickey remarks very brief because I think that the comparison is ridiculous. Body art in it's best form is a thoughtful reflection. Whereas, a hickey is the "leftovers". It shows the world where your sexuality is or was last night.

I guess I just wonder why it matters? She indicated that she felt judged for not having tattoos or wanting them. Really? Seriously? I have never in my life been compelled to say..."Why don't you have any tattoos? You must be____" Body art is such an immensely personal thing. I mean the first ink I got are my children's names. The next was my Ichthus. Faith and family...what's there to judge about that. And, even if...I can appreciate some good artwork that doesn't represent my faith or family. I have a lower back piece and two butterflies (one on each foot) that remind my of hope and my great-grandmother.

But, the sleeve (that isn't quite finished) on my right arm is the one I get the most compliments on. It also brings be comfort. One, the artwork is beautiful. The artist is Donn Davis with TATTOOAGOGO in New Orleans. He is a great guy, the shop is beautiful and I can't wait to go back and get it finished. Most of you who know me, know of my love for the city. And, Donn's shop is also right across from Juan's Flying Burrito...a local treasure that you can eat one handed, while getting a tattoo.

Most importantly though, is probably the meaning to me. My sleeve is of Japanese cherry blossoms. They are beautiful and come are falling...The cherry blossom is a very delicate flower that blooms for a very short time. For the Japanese this represents the transience of life. This concept ties in very deeply with the fundamental teachings of Buddhism that state all life is suffering and transitory. The Japanese have long held strong to the Buddhist belief of the transitory nature of life and it is very noble to not get too attached to a particular outcome or not become emotional because it will all pass in time.

I think that those of us who are finding our way through this journey of life...it's nice to have something that reminds us to enjoy each moment, good and bad. Blink and you'll miss a pirouette, a heartache, love, a wink, a laugh. Everything passes. Kids grow up, heartache dissipates, a laugh fades. My right arm reminds me to savor each and every moment.

But, it doesn't make me less. It doesn't make me less thoughtful, intelligent, caring, loving, articulate. It also doesn't make me more of anything. It doesn't make me a criminal, a liar, delinquent. It also doesn't make one who chooses not to have artwork on their body less of anything.

God loves each and every one of us...with and without (not just talking about tattoos and piercings here)...let's just keep that in mind before we judge.

Here's a couple of my favorite links and a photo...

http://tattooagogo.com/home.html

http://juansflyingburrito.com/

Gratitude

Today, I'm not going to complain or be negative about a single thing. Today my mantra is "swimming in gratitude". I am leaving for work in a few minutes and I am going to do my best to treat every potentially negative thing that comes up today as a possibility for greatness.

So, to start this process I thought that I would start with a little stream of consciousness regarding things that I am thankful and/or grateful for. Please don't get your feeling hurt if I don't mention you specifically...if you are reading this, I am grateful for you.

Additionally, I might list something that someone thinks I shouldn't be grateful for...maybe that's the point. I am grateful for my mother and her mistreatment of me...it taught me how to be a better mother. But, I'm not going to list why I am grateful for each thing, person, feeling, emotion. I am just going to make a list and live it today.

So here it goes...

I am grateful for Amy, Steve, Matt, Shannon, Jill, Julia, Brennan, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, sister, brother, mother, father, Fred, Leland, Jason, Tiffany, Scott, Cassie, Heather, Sarah, all the Jens in my life, life, health, creativity, Dr. Gray, Ms. Rhodeman, Dr. Sonnenschein, Dr. Conces, Pastor Foreman, Mindy, Dave, Renee, Nancy, Marv's, Kristopher and Jennifer, Barbara, Lisa, Danielle, Dez, Kandi, Dr. Bingham, Shawn, Josh, Joey, Justin, Tracey, Tim, Sarah, Alan, Brian, Tim, Jaki, Michelle, Ed, Mona, Shannon, Tara, Mark, Kim...and so many more. I am thankful for wine, cupcakes, rain, food, books, the bible, my faith, tears, heartache, love, children that I'm able to miss because I loved them as my own, music, electricity, degrees, culinary school, dance, Scottsdale, New York City, the beach, disney, running, shoes, LOVE and so many more things.

I thought of some more...I'm thankful for my first job, my faith, a great tattoo artist named Donn, New Orleans, the ballet, Nina Friday's art, the mountains, the trees, people that impact me (and don't even know it), people I impact (and maybe don't know it), Maya Angelou, this chick I met years ago on a plane and I can't remember her name..

I'm on a time budget today...I could go on for hours. But, I think just a daily reminder.

Until later mwah

Miss me???

Hey all! Did you miss me? I missed the blog too. But, I took a couple of days off and worked pretty hard. I've been busy as usual with school and work. Plus, the kids have had needs that are typical for this time of the year. We are getting ready for One Elegant Evening with AYB. Don't forget to order your tickets. The night is wonderful with food and wine at Californos. It's finished by a silent auction and performances from the dancers. 

http://www.americanyouthballet.org/oee.html


Plus, my son has began a culinary career with the Broadmoor program. He needs knives, transportation, money...and he's a junior. So, we've had mixers, dances, drama and other things that go with being a high-schooler. Here's the link for the Bistro. Again, foodies this will not disappoint. And, it's a great value for the money. 

http://www.broadmoorbistro.org/

With all of that going on, I've been able to maintain my B's in Physiology and Anatomy respectively. Seriously though, I need an A in at least one of these classes. So, if any of you have some tips...I'd be glad to listen.

Oh, and a wonderful angel has gifted our family a not new...but, wonderful singer sewing machine. If anyone knows the workings of one of these beauties, I would be ever so grateful for a tutorial. She and I aren't getting along very well. In fact, we have had arguments the last two evenings. So, we are both in a time out.

Last week I feel was more balanced. I missed class because I was ill. But, I made it to my tutor. Who, by the way, is another absolute angel in my life. She has made me so much more confident in my capacity for the sciences. Who are we kidding? At this stage of life...learning/memorizing is so much harder.

And, today I got into a little car accident. I'm trying to be positive or I would rant about the horrible driving that Johnson County can boast. Grr is all I am going to say. So, I inevitably missed work. But, so it goes right? Anyway, the car isn't too damaged. And, neither am I...at least from the accident lol. 

I was able to do a little thrift shopping and found an amazing dress for a steal. And, see Danielle for a few minutes. I was able to go to the parent meeting for dance. 

Anyway, thanks for listening/reading. I'm trying to stay focused and positive. All in all, I feel fairly successful. 

Have a great day...mwah.

What if?

"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" Galileo

Do you have people in your life that you love no matter what? I mean, I know we all do...kids, parents, siblings etc. But, I mean this person that no matter how much they annoy you, how much they push you away, how much they get in their own way...you can't walk away from them. I struggle with those kind of people. The people that I feel drawn to, not because I think they are perfect. But, because they have this "energy" that just kind of pulls me in.

I know some of you might say...well, that's just because you are codependent or setting yourself up to fail. But, what if it's not? What if we are matched up by fate, God, or the universe with our soul mate. What if that person is just serious #$%#@'d up. Does it mean you walk away? If you walk away from them in that moment, when he/she is at his/her worst...do you deserve them when they are sane and healthy? 

I think you can have boundaries. I just know that you don't "give up". What if that's your "person"? What if who you are meant to be, depends on finding the person you were meant to be with? 

Anyway...I suppose that today I have more questions than answers. Until next time, mwah. 

Service and Sarcasm

For those of you that remember...I lost my full-time job last month. And, while my finances have been hit pretty profoundly...my spirit has been soaring.

I work two other part-time service positions. I love serving. I mean some days it's just a joke, like anything else. Others, bring joy and a significant amount of cash for the time put in. I work at a semi-fine restaurant and a deli. So, I get the best of both worlds. This week, the place that I am just kind of on-call for called...I worked two off-site events. And, had the time of my life doing it. It's funny, because I don't think either event was planned or organized very well. But, I was appreciated and respected for who I am.

I worked three shifts at the deli this week too. I made great money. I mean, I'm not paying off any debts or anything. But, my tip percentage was huge. The best part of my week was yesterday when these two ladies cracked up the entire time. They were probably late thirties. And, we just kind of gave each other s@#$. I mean all the way until they paid and one had a Chiefs Visa. They said they would have paid for the show...Hell, they did, didn't they? I mean they tipped me like 30%.

These are the days that it all makes sense. I pray that they continue...Until next time, mwah

It's a marathon

I believe in honestly, to it's fullest. I believe good or bad we can get through things with honestly. Let me tell you though...I have gotten myself in quite the pickle being honest. And, I have learned that telling the truth doesn't always mean that I have a right to insert myself into other's situations. When asked, I am more than willing to give my opinion. And, I promise it's filtered inasmuch as I am capable of filtering it. I realize I hurt people's feelings sometimes. It's rarely (I won't say never) intentional.

But, I think that the real issue is what we are capable of. If I tell you that I can't or don't have it in me to deal with something. Why is it necessary to keep pushing? I am just learning to say no to things and people. It is perhaps, the most difficult thing I have ever done. I am letting go of people who intentionally and unintentionally, literally or figuratively, suck the life out of me.

There are those people in life who are only takers. They rarely give back. Maybe they are capable and choose not to. Maybe they give with others, just not with me. Well, back to that "cup of tea" post...if that's the case, the relationship isn't a good fit for either of us.

Take this if nothing else...take this quote from Dr. Phil (I know...but, it makes sense), "You either teach people to treat you with dignity and respect, or you don't. This means you are partly responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else. You shape others' behavior when you teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot."

Ok, so I am partly responsible for allowing abuse and mistreatment. I buy that. So, I say to you..."Hey, please don't do that. I'm full right now, please don't overfill. I don't have time today, maybe next week...etc." My friend, partner, lover, child chose not to listen. At this point the boundary is my responsibility to enforce. Sure, maybe it was a mistake or they didn't get it. But, after the 3rd or 100th time...the consequence is termination of the relationship. It's unfortunate that I have had to do this with family. I obviously cannot do this with my children...we are stuck with each other. And, I wouldn't have it any other way. But, for those of us who choose to be in each other's lives...I think we owe it to ourselves to walk away from those toxic relationships that suck the life out of us.

I believe in second chances. S#$%, I believe in 50th chances. God knows I have been given so many "resets" in my life. The question is...when do you stop and choose yourself over the noise? I wish I knew. I wish that I had some sort of enlightened capacity to know...Ok, well this person is this way and never going to change. But, I don't there is always hope for me. That's not a good gauge though. Capacity for change? Sure, we all have it. What we are capable of is HUGE. Does anyone ever really do what they are capable of? And, shouldn't that line of abuse of power, time, sex, physical, etc. never be crossed anyway.

I don't know. The more I read, write, learn, listen to others...the more I realize that I still have a lot to learn. I am hopelessly flawed. Really, so is everyone else. It's just when those jagged bits (the scars, the flaws, the scabs) rub on each other and hurt the one's we love the most. Maybe that's when we have the answer. I do know that life isn't some sprint...it's a marathon. And, when you think you can't make it any further...there's a rest area, or a castle ahead. And, that each leg of the race is different and temporary. Some parts you feel as though you could run forever. Some parts of the race feel like a war with your mind and your body. But, nothing feels like the top of a tough hill, the wind in your face, the blisters on your heels, or crossing the finish line. So, lace up your running shoes...

It's the little things...

I believe that blessings in my life come in the form of a light mist. I mean, God doesn't just rain on me...But, for the most part he gives me just enough to keep me praying, living, wanting more, and working harder. It doesn't quite quench my thirst. It's like a slight rain during a drought. The ground is still thirsty and longing for more. But, it's just enough that things look a little greener, brighter, more possible.

I also have a theory about my expenses coming in $300.00 increments as well. My ridiculous car payment is $300.00 biweekly (it's a long story, and yes I drive a KIA), my school payments were $300.00 per month for three months, orthodontics, my utility bill,  the list goes on and on. But, it would seem the my blessings or extras also come in $300.00 increments. Isn't that cool? I mean, I got an odd refund for overpayment on something (not really sure how that ever happened), a scholarship which paid one of my $300.00 payments regarding school.

So, today I'm thankful for the "light mist" of rain in the middle of my financial drought. I can only hope that once I get this all figured out...maybe I can give someone else a little mist.

Shoes

I want to preface this by acknowledging anyone who knows me, knows that I sometimes have an unhealthy relationship with shoes. At one point, (best or worst depending on perspective) I counted 312 pairs not including flip-flops. I can't get into in right now. But, somehow I've rationalized flip-flops don't count as shoes.

I have from Michael Kors and Coach to vintage and Payless in my closet. I lust after them. I pin heartily. And, when finances are at their worst....I know that a new pair of shiny heels would make me feel better. Regarding Pinterest, I formerly just had a board titled My Style. But, I found that it got a little crowded. So, in the past few days I have established a board with the simple title: Shoes.

http://pinterest.com/monicakoenig/shoes/


The board is still in it's infancy. But, due to the recent (well not so recent, but newly accepted conditions) economic conditions of my household...I simply get my "fix" virtually. I can still use Divine Caroline, Netaporter, Bluefly, Top Shop, and Refinery for inspiration. Oooh, and by the way www.6PM.com  is the best place on the internet to find a deal from shoes to sunglasses. 

I'm certainly not lacking in the shoe department. I don't have enough closet shelving to house all of my therapeutic purchases. I'm doing ok. But, for a girl that notices the individuals shoes...it's very difficult not to invest a little in myself when fall comes upon us. 

Anyway, lighthearted blog today. I hope you enjoyed. Leave a comment on what you've enjoyed or perhaps something you feel is Pinworthy for fall. 

It is what it is...

I got home from work tonight. It's been a really rough day. I have a test tomorrow. I rushed home to veg and watch t.v. with one of my favorite people in the world. Julia and I watch the X-Factor. Which, I have never been a fan of. But, we got tickets this summer and she got to take a friend and sit in the front row of taping.


So, I worked two jobs today. I have a huge anatomy test in the morning. My anxiety is through the roof. But, I really wanted to feel tonight and even though the kids were fighting, I had a million things I could be focusing on...I felt a gentle nudge to just snuggle and watch this show.


We get our messages from God, the Universe, or wherever you believe...from the unlikeliest of places. We watched some bad performances and some good. But, there was this girl at the Rhode Island auditions that told her story. She had the wing tattoo like Demi. She had a similar story of being bullied and mistreated. She was me. But, she was 19 and still had choices and just a little baggage...her load isn't quite as heavy from bad choices.


So, she told her story and it came time to sing her song. The song was Jesse J's "Who You Are". And, let me say this tiny little 19 year-old, brunette had some pipes. She belted out painful lyric after painful lyric. I was in near tears with just the sound of her voice in my head. It was haunting and rough. I wonder if that's what I sounded like at 19.


But, the moment for me (you know the one, it precedes the "ugly cry" moment) was when she sang verse:

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,

It's okay not to be okay...

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.

Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,

Just be true to who you are!

I'm headed to bed soon. I am getting up before the sun. I need to do some major studying for anatomy. I just needed to know that I was OK where I am...I needed someone to tell me that it's OK to feel whatever it is I'm feeling, good or bad. Today was bad. But, tomorrow...that's an entirely different day. Who knows what will come. But, I know that it's finally OK to feel and I don't have to numb it anymore. In fact, the numbing of it might be part of what got me here in the first place.


Thanks for reading...and mwah to those who need it most today.

The meaning of words...

I think people take big words and use them in miniscule situations. Like the word survive. Huge right? I am going to use the definition of: to continue in existence or use after (a passage of time, an adversity, etc.). I struggle. Because my cup might hold more or less than someone else's. I might be able to tolerate something better or worse than say you for example. 

Aha, tolerate...that's a better word. I tolerated that test, vaccination, afternoon with my grandmother. But, to say that I survived it...hmmm. That to me is more of a war situation. Like, I survived cancer...I did by the way, twice. Or, I survived being shot five times. Nope, thank God that is one situation that I haven't had to face. But, to say I survived the first day of school? How is that even an option? Was there an option of not surviving, say dying at the end or during the process? 

I don't know. I just think words have meaning. When someone says "I don't know how you do it". I start to take a step back...before, I'd get defensive. But, what they really mean...is they don't understand. And, it's really an "awe" kind of thing. For me, I took it as a judgement or a criticism, or even a prediction of failure. But, it isn't. It's like when I go to a Cirque du Soleil show and I sit in wonderment watching the performance. I really don't fathom how the performers summoned the strength to lift, carry, be flexible enough to do whatever they do day in and day out. And, when my girlfriend tells me that she doesn't know how I do it...she means it.

I would argue that words have meaning and they are inherent to us all. But, not always. Perhaps surviving is really what it's all about. Perhaps that somedays just getting out of bed is a struggle. God knows I have been there. I think that quite possibly we all are capable of different things. And, as I get older...the shades of gray (no relevance to the writings) seem to be more and more plausible than the black and white scenarios of my past.

So, when my friend tells me next month that she doesn't know how I do it...I'm going to do my best to not be snarky with her. And, for those of you that know me personally...in my head it goes like this usually..."I do it because I don't have a choice. I do it because, failing isn't an option. I do it because there is no one to bail me out. I do it because I am ready for a better life and the only way I am going to get there is through this short term nonsense." I am going to say..."Thank you for recognizing that it has been difficult for me. Thanks for seeing me through all of this."

Not Your Cup of Tea?

This is the first post in my new blog. Heya! Truly, I am not sure that anyone is going to read it. Personally, I don't care. Ok, so it starts already? The bitchiness. No, not really. It's more of a...this is my therapy page. I have used facebook as more of a therapeutic form of communication. And, I'm not gonna lie. It's been rather cathartic. It's been the most rewarding when people send me messages saying how inspiring my posts have been.

Over the past few years I have adopted the phrase,"I'm not everyone's cup of tea." I think that about sums it up. Not everyone likes me. Finally, for the first time ever...I am ok with that. I kind of tended to "buy" friends in highschool. A couple people noticed it. They'd say,"Wow she is so mean to you. And, there you go sharing your gum (insert shoes, dinner, clothes, life) with her." I would buy extravagant gifts for birthday parties of people I barely knew.

Still into adulthood, I collected friends. I have people in my life that will rarely assist me in a time of need. I had a major emergency and was detained for 24 hours and people who lived mere miles from me were too busy to go let me dog out. Yes, that was a couple of years ago. I have let it go, oddly enough. But, right now it serves as an example. And, for those of you who know what situation this was...it was humiliating to ask for help, much less be rejected.

I was recently offered a job. It was strange because I didn't think the chef liked me at all. Let's just clarify, dislike is a kind word. He was confrontational (if confrontational was on steroids) even at the interview. And, aren't employers nicest when they are interviewing? So, I didn't  think they were going to offer me the position. It was a management job. But, that afternoon...pause...I got the offer. They wanted me to start the next day. Really? I can't say that I ignored my gut, because I worked two other jobs and just went to part-time, on call.

I forged ahead. It was a restaurant that they wanted to open in a week. My partner in crime (the other manager) and I worked 16 hour days. We wrote training manuals, interviewed, made phone calls, and trained staff. We did this in a matter of days. Without fail, every single day that I showed up to this place that I was pouring everything into...the chef would tell me how stupid I was, he would argue about service (it's left to right people!!!!), why wasn't this done...He would criticize me in front of the staff. It became kind of a joke. And, I truly tried to roll with it.

Last week (after working on yet another batch of operational documents) my position was terminated. I didn't cry. I mean what's that Maya Angelou quote? Oh yeah! "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." I loved this job. It was super fulfilling and exhausting. I loved the staff, the owners wife, the food, our guests. The owner/chef wasn't only rude and abusive to me. But, also my staff. I felt that leaving was going to be hard for them too. Where was their buffer between the abuse now?

Ok, so the moment I was thinking that last question in my car on the way home...I pulled over. I was like wtf? Seriously. I went back into another...ANOTHER...abusive situation. And, my servers were like children that I was trying to protect. Thank GOD that I wasn't "his" cup of tea in this situation. Because, had I stayed who knows what the outcome would have been.

Anyway, I needed a reminder of what I will and will not tolerate in my life. And, though I am not pursuing romantic relationships, my professional relationships carry with them consequences as well. I'm so grateful that I was rejected in this situation. I will be back working the other two jobs this week. I am still working on the nursing prerequisites. And, I had a lovely weekend with people I love and care about.