This was supposed to be a daily blog. I'm sorry. I am going to consider my original objectives and understand my time limitations and write only when inspiration and time permit.
Some of you know my friend Amy. Those of you who do not well...1-Are missing out on a wonderful, blatantly honest, laugh out loud friend and human being 2-But, if you don't you probably know that she is a sounding board for me. She helps me to find my way when I am lost. She pulls no punches. She'll knock the wind right out of me, if she feels that will help the situation at hand.
I know that Amy knows how important she is to me. I know (as well does she) that she has saved my life literally and figuratively on more than one occasion. She has spoken to my soul and met me in the depths of my very own hell. So, this isn't about praising her. It's about hearing the silence, the calm, the real reason for whatever it is through all the other bull shit.
I was having one of not many, but a few of my panic attacks within the last year regarding finances. I was ready to throw all of my hard work away. I was behind on bills, credit cards, groceries, utilities...AND THEN, I lost my financial aid. I mean seriously, I was at the end of my proverbial rope. So, I call vacillating between hurt and angry. And, she does the Amy thing and from thousands of miles away shakes the shit out of me until I can see the potential solutions.
That's what she does. She silences all the stupid nonsense that gets in my way. She hasn't made me more dependent. In fact; I can nearly shake the shit out of myself when necessary due to Amy's diligence.
She likened my relationships to that of the Vietnam War Dogs. She held me accountable for my poor choices. And, now...I do the same. I evaluate the people that are in my life. I quiet the noise both externally and in my own head.
Those people who suck the life out of you....you know who I am talking about? The ones that take hours of your day to convince they are worthy, or loved, smart, funny, ________(insert whatever here)...they are the ones that detract from doing the real good in life. They are the noise. Saving one person, while noble; is ineffective. Add to that, the people who truly have a need (not just one they is perceived or create) don't do it for attention or notoriety.
The people who NEED all the time and hurt all the time...they are in their own private hell and I don't want to make light of that. The problem lies in that nothing can be fixed from the outside in these circumstances. The passive aggressive, abusive, borderline behaviors...those are internal demons that simply cannot be fixed with another person as a band aid. In fact, in my experience...the problem only gets worse.
For me though, the biggest aha moment (as Oprah would say) was that eliminated or limiting interactions with this scenario of friends, familial, and romantic involvements has made me a better person. NOT helping the one or two people that sucked my soul until it was empty, has allowed me to be a better mother, friend, coworker, student, citizen etc. to countless others. And, while it might feel selfish at the time to let these relationships go...or to allow these individuals to shoulder their own burdens on some level...it's probably more selfish to stay.
Please don't misunderstand my message here. We all deserve love, to share it, to experience, to be loved, and to love others. The problem is that when we allow others to determine our worth and create unlivable situations for us. When we allow the hurts of others to define who we are, to make us somehow less than...When others ask or demand of us a dimming of our light, that is when we will suffer. But, the world will also suffer.
Love one another. But, don't let the noise drag you down. Don't let someone else define your worth. We are all created in God's image. Even Jesus suffered moments of sadness and despair. Life here on earth isn't going to be all rainbows and unicorns. But, there is joy around every corner.
I'm sure that no one will be surprised...But, here's another Maya quote to finish this off...to the point and just my style:
"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." Maya Angelou.
I had the great joy of taking a class taught by Ms. Angelou on gender studies and equality. But, as I am redefining who I am, what I am worth, what I will tolerate...this quote speaks to my heart, soul, and intellect all at once. It's a barometer of sorts, like Amy.
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