So, I worked two jobs today. I have a huge anatomy test in the morning. My anxiety is through the roof. But, I really wanted to feel tonight and even though the kids were fighting, I had a million things I could be focusing on...I felt a gentle nudge to just snuggle and watch this show.
We get our messages from God, the Universe, or wherever you believe...from the unlikeliest of places. We watched some bad performances and some good. But, there was this girl at the Rhode Island auditions that told her story. She had the wing tattoo like Demi. She had a similar story of being bullied and mistreated. She was me. But, she was 19 and still had choices and just a little baggage...her load isn't quite as heavy from bad choices.
So, she told her story and it came time to sing her song. The song was Jesse J's "Who You Are". And, let me say this tiny little 19 year-old, brunette had some pipes. She belted out painful lyric after painful lyric. I was in near tears with just the sound of her voice in my head. It was haunting and rough. I wonder if that's what I sounded like at 19.
But, the moment for me (you know the one, it precedes the "ugly cry" moment) was when she sang verse:
Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay...
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
I'm headed to bed soon. I am getting up before the sun. I need to do some major studying for anatomy. I just needed to know that I was OK where I am...I needed someone to tell me that it's OK to feel whatever it is I'm feeling, good or bad. Today was bad. But, tomorrow...that's an entirely different day. Who knows what will come. But, I know that it's finally OK to feel and I don't have to numb it anymore. In fact, the numbing of it might be part of what got me here in the first place.
Thanks for reading...and mwah to those who need it most today.
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