Never to old...

So, let's start by saying...I've been feeling terribly old lately. I have two kiddos in their teenage years, I am so exhausted, I can't sleep, I have to study and reread material so much more than I used to, I have lines on my neck that appeared out of nowhere during a Disney vacation...So, I feel that I may not always be the hippest chick around.

But, I do think that there are some things we are never too old to do. For example, reinvention!!! I mean we get to make different choices, live elsewhere, take a new career opportunity, and possibly even be an entirely different human being than we once were.

But, the real opportunity for me was a change in perspective. For those that know me personally and not just in the cyber word; you know that I am not close to my mother. I made a choice when I had children to disengage in the abusiveness that she represents. I can honestly say, that is probably the one thing that I have no regrets about. I write her a letter every few years. With which, she promptly reads, disregards, pushes my grandmother away, changes her contact information, and throws it in the trash. A dear friend told me last time around that her reaction wasn't so much to hurt me, it was that God in fact wants me to make better decisions and keep good company. So, it is a message to stay away in a voice that I needed to hear. Isn't that a cool way to look at it? It's far less damaging to my psyche.

I guess the other thing that I'm starting to realize is that the spin on "bad" or "worthlessness" is in the eye of the beholder. I was speaking to someone about my admiration for the relationship he had with his mother. In fact, I was rather envious and when she left to go back home...I was really sad. I was sad that I don't miss my mother. I said that my mother was ____(not sure it should be repeated). And, I was promptly informed that she wasn't all bad because she created me. And, in that moment...I don't think I heard or felt what was said. But later, (perhaps residual, wink) it occurred to me that despite the damage people do to us, despite the inability of the individual to be good....they can still create good. And, that good can either be an accident (if you choose to believe) or divinely inspired.

So, here's to new perspectives. Thanks so much for letting me put my heart out there when I find the time. It's a space here that has allowed me to grieve loss, share in joys, and regularly vent.