Not really swimming...

So, my friend Amy has supported me for years. She has been there for the joys and heartaches of everything. And, honestly there have been more bad phone calls than good. Hopefully, that will change. I feel like I have turned a corner in my personal, professional, and educational lives (respectively).

I don't know when it was. But, I know it was after I suffered a horrible bout with depression and nearly (not for lack of trying) killed myself and left my children without a mother. We were on the phone and she asked if I still felt like I was drowning. I thought for a moment. No, I wasn't drowning. But, I was still catching my breath. I still couldn't exactly see the shore (for lack of a better metaphor). So, I wasn't really swimming either. I was kind of just doing a proverbial "dog paddle".

It's hard to think of that time in my life. It's hard to remember the pain and truly feel it. I think about my friends and what they did for me. I was in the middle of recovery from so very many things. And, without my family (true friends, family that chose me, and I them) I wouldn't have made it. Amy was miles away and raising her family in D.C. She was struggling with a family situation of her own. Yet, she called me daily to make sure I was ok. Truly, I wonder if some days she wondered if I would go too far and she would have to come back under very different circumstances.

Then, there are the Jen's. At the time I was very close to three of the best girls ever, all named Jen. Now, distance has grown between some of us. However, I know that these women on some level saved my life. Perhaps the dearest of Jen allowed me to stay in her home until I could get my own apartment. She had a spare room in her town-house. But, unable to take care of myself...I slept in her bed. Who knows how much she slept? She told me to shower. She and her daughter were our family. And, truly I am uncertain if I would have gotten through that first month without her.

I guess I woke up today feeling a little sorry for myself. I am nervous about grades. Money is consistently problematic. I have to see my heart surgeon next week. I have finals. And, the list goes on and on.

But, here I am. The choices I have made. The empathy that God has given me for other's struggles. The light that shines brighter in people than I could have possibly imagined. It's not like that "footprints" poem. It's like Jesus was there with me. In those horrible moments of despair, my dearest friends, my brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit, God himself, and his Son...we were all there together.

So, some days I'm ok with seeing the shore and just not drowning. I know that my days are far deeper, more meaningful, and more joyful simply because I have become more of who I am. I no longer feel a need to be someone I am not, to hide my truth. The greatest gift I have been given is the capacity to understand the deepest of hurts, by first acknowledging and understanding my own. So, while my pain is just a memory...I can truly "see" others where they are.

Thanks to all my beautiful friend who have been light in the darkness.

See you next time!!!