New Year's Eve

I haven't posted much lately. I'm OK with that. Hopefully you are too.

It's been a rough year. I have made new friends and lost some dear old ones. I have lost relationships and began again. Friends have lost loved ones and experienced more heartache than imaginable. I have been disappointed in myself and others.

But, I have also experienced life in a way that has been transformed at the least. I have learned to love people at their worst. I have both been fed by others and helped to feed and clothe my brothers and sisters.

This year has been full of loss, emptiness, and despair. But, it has also filled me with love, compassion, and openness in a way that only loss, pain, heartache, and sorrow can give. This year, my failures are many. Yet, my successes (while maybe not as quantifiable) are spiritually and worldly significant.

I wasn't planning on attending church today. In fact, I was kind of annoyed at the prospect of going at noon. I mean seriously? Really. Who goes to church at noon at New Year's Eve anyway? No matter what I did to busy myself...I felt a push.

I hate being pushed. I grit my teeth when told what to do. But today, I gave up and relinquished my type A control and need to organize. I begrudgingly got dressed, cleaned off my car, and drove (in the snow) to the Plaza. Mind you, I checked around to see if any other service would do. I looked online and even made a couple of phone calls. To my irritation, other than mass, there seemed to be no other NYE services at noon.

I was still annoyed when I sat down in the pew. In fact, I was annoyed (no offense Bob if you stumble upon this) still when the minister spoke of the mediocrity of the song that was played as the welcome music. See, the pianist was playing a lovely rendition of "Auld Lang Syne". I get it. It's cliche. But, I have a guilty love affair with Robert Burns' fairytale of possibility.

But, I digress...So, here I am. Annoyed. But, in this space that is quiet and still, sad and remembering, smart and silly...all at the same time. This space, this quiet chapel, usually makes me claustrophobic. But, today...amidst stories of loss, love, peace, hope and possibility...today I could breathe. Today, I could hear. Today, God directed the show. And, he played Beatles music and provided angels.

So, Happy New Year! And, may you have a day filled with as much of what you need as today was for me.

Our Prayer

Dear Heavenly Father;

We are here today out of desperation, sadness, and compassion. But, most of all love. We are here because in this time of loss and tragedy, we are not alone. We are together, holding each other, feeling your presence. We pray for strength. We pray for empathy and insight into the struggles of others. Lord we pray for connectivity. We pray that the struggles and pain of others, those hurts that allow them to inflict pain and even death on others...can be seen. We pray to SEE each other and act in a loving fashion. 

We pray for each of the families affected by this horrific event. We pray for the families of the children that were lost in the shooting. We pray for their peace and understanding of something that is incomprehensible. Lord, we pray for the understanding of a Father that lost his only son. We pray for the courage to reach out and comfort one another. We pray that more lives are not lost during the grief process of losing a loved one. We pray for marriages that will struggle due to the loss of a child. 

Father, please give divine grace and words to the teachers and staff at Sandy Hook Elementary School. May they have the strength to continue. May they have the courage and fortitude to comfort the children of Newtown. Because, in comforting those children...they are comforting all of our children. 

Lord, while we cannot focus on the perpetrator. We must acknowledge him. He was your son as are we. We pray for the family of Adam Lanza. They too are probably asking why. We pray for their peace and we pray that their support system will support them. Please, provide them “open arms” and a soft place to land while they shed their own tears. 

God, let us appreciated our children and loved ones this holiday season. As we rush around, go to ballets, see Santa, open gifts...Give us the awareness that the experience is the gift, the time with them, the love we share. Let us say a prayer, have a moment, for those that no longer have those moments. Let us hold our brother’s and sister’s in our arms or hearts this holiday season. Let us hold the parents of the children whose presents will go unwrapped. The mother who cannot get out of bed in the morning. Lord, hold her in a way that only a father can hold a child. Wipe her tears. Lord, give a husband or father the strength to reach out because he feels so helpless. 

We pray for our media and that they will exercise the moral restraint that will allow them to report this emotionally disturbing event with grace, conscience, and integrity. 

Father, comfort our clergy. Give them the words and rest that they need to comfort us in these moments of grief, sorrow, guilt, and confusion. 

God, give President Barack Obama the strength to comfort a nation. Give us the courage to make this about something larger than politics. Please, allow our country to come together in this time of need. 

Right now though, let us hold each other. And, across the miles let our prayers and our love be felt in Newton and all over the world. Let those who are lost feel a moment of peace, even just a moment. 

Lord, 16 mass shootings have occurred in this country over the course of the last year. Please give us the insight to prevent and not just to comfort after the fact. Please help the pained, the hurt, the lost, not only to find their way...but, even just to feel your presence. Help our country to intervene in the mental health capacity of the individual, because they impact our collective humanity. Help our hearts to be open to solutions. 

We will now be silent and pray to you through our own hearts, a voice that only you can hear. For the next 280 seconds we will observe silence for all the deaths in this tragedy.

In your name we pray,

Amen

No denying

So, really...I'm really busy. But, I felt a universal "push" to put this out there anyway. I mean, finals, work, dance, school for kids...did I mention the cardiology stuff?

But, I digress. I feel like sometimes I am too busy to hear the introspective responses of the universe/God what have you. Sometimes, my own agenda gets in the way of his. And, yesterday is a prime example. There are a few of them...

First, I have been struggling with the church I have been attending. It's still the denomination that I am drawn to as a liberal Christian. But, I just wasn't certain yet. Yesterday I went to the contemporary service. And, let's be real...it was probably far too intimate for my comfort level. But, nonetheless it was lovely, lively, spiritual. I still needed something more. So, I decided to stay around for the last service at 10:45. I might add, there was to be an ordination and I just felt compelled to witness that.

Between services, I was sitting in a pew. And, I just felt this draft of air. I didn't really think much of it. Because, if you know the building...drafts are par for the course. But, I was actually bent over praying for some of my own personal bidness (Oh, I know how it is spelled...just kind of a nod to things). When, I heard a voice say "This is where it's at". So, of course I turned and looked around. Realistically, this would not have been an odd sentiment for someone to say at this particular church. But, no one was in my proximity and it was merely a whisper. So, I began praying again and again the voice repeated the same thing. Honestly, I chalked it up to four hours of sleep and began singing the opening hymn.

I also witnessed one of the most beautiful ordinations that I have ever seen. The family, the church family, the spirit that moved in the realm of one individuals impact in mission. The hope and certainty of it all. It literally brought me to tears.

I suppose the final word or spirit I felt yesterday was during the feeding of the homeless in the park. It's a mission that the church does. I had my beautiful mittens from Lululemon on. I mean gorgeous. They match this scarf thing with a hood. They are warm and expensive. Granted, I got them on sale last season. But, it was only the second time I had worn them. As I was ladling soup, again I felt a draft. But, we were outside. And, it was windy as hell. But, it wasn't the wind. I continued. Someone said, "Give them to her." So, I looked around and saw a woman headed our direction and gave her soup. Feeling a little obligated I offered them to her. She took them and promptly gave them back. After she walked away, the voice said..."not her". WTH? Now this was a guessing game. Though, it wasn't. There was a woman that was there last month with her husband. They might be in their fifties. And, they had nothing. She had a hoody on. So, when he came over to get soup for the both of them (Seconds, I might add! This was really exciting), I handed him the mittens. I told him they were for his wife.

So, my hands got cold. Really cold. A young volunteer and I put our hands on the soup pot to keep warm. We were really only out there for an hour. But, my hands...I could barely move them by the time we got back to the church, which was only across the street. But, this I could do. No matter how much we struggle, someone is struggling more. I think, for me anyway...my message today is that no matter where we are it, we can help. We have value, currency, gifts to offer to our brothers and sisters.

So, today there is no denying that yesterday I was where God meant for me to be.

Not really swimming...

So, my friend Amy has supported me for years. She has been there for the joys and heartaches of everything. And, honestly there have been more bad phone calls than good. Hopefully, that will change. I feel like I have turned a corner in my personal, professional, and educational lives (respectively).

I don't know when it was. But, I know it was after I suffered a horrible bout with depression and nearly (not for lack of trying) killed myself and left my children without a mother. We were on the phone and she asked if I still felt like I was drowning. I thought for a moment. No, I wasn't drowning. But, I was still catching my breath. I still couldn't exactly see the shore (for lack of a better metaphor). So, I wasn't really swimming either. I was kind of just doing a proverbial "dog paddle".

It's hard to think of that time in my life. It's hard to remember the pain and truly feel it. I think about my friends and what they did for me. I was in the middle of recovery from so very many things. And, without my family (true friends, family that chose me, and I them) I wouldn't have made it. Amy was miles away and raising her family in D.C. She was struggling with a family situation of her own. Yet, she called me daily to make sure I was ok. Truly, I wonder if some days she wondered if I would go too far and she would have to come back under very different circumstances.

Then, there are the Jen's. At the time I was very close to three of the best girls ever, all named Jen. Now, distance has grown between some of us. However, I know that these women on some level saved my life. Perhaps the dearest of Jen allowed me to stay in her home until I could get my own apartment. She had a spare room in her town-house. But, unable to take care of myself...I slept in her bed. Who knows how much she slept? She told me to shower. She and her daughter were our family. And, truly I am uncertain if I would have gotten through that first month without her.

I guess I woke up today feeling a little sorry for myself. I am nervous about grades. Money is consistently problematic. I have to see my heart surgeon next week. I have finals. And, the list goes on and on.

But, here I am. The choices I have made. The empathy that God has given me for other's struggles. The light that shines brighter in people than I could have possibly imagined. It's not like that "footprints" poem. It's like Jesus was there with me. In those horrible moments of despair, my dearest friends, my brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit, God himself, and his Son...we were all there together.

So, some days I'm ok with seeing the shore and just not drowning. I know that my days are far deeper, more meaningful, and more joyful simply because I have become more of who I am. I no longer feel a need to be someone I am not, to hide my truth. The greatest gift I have been given is the capacity to understand the deepest of hurts, by first acknowledging and understanding my own. So, while my pain is just a memory...I can truly "see" others where they are.

Thanks to all my beautiful friend who have been light in the darkness.

See you next time!!!