Salve For Old Wounds

Today was non eventful. It was cold, icy, and snowy. So, we took a much needed "snow day". It was warm and safe and we watched Madea movies and marathon sessions of Nip/Tuck. It was a pretty perfect day that included fuzzy socks and cookies baked last night for those we love...sorry if we ate yours...mostly.

And then...it hits like a Mac Truck...my sister's Facebook page. It's not her fault. It's just more than I can begin to explain. The ghost of my past...her father, my demon, the monster in my closet...made a tiny comment on one of her posts. I hadn't seen or heard him in what feels like a hundred years...and that one comment brought it all back. I can't explain the panic, the dread, the fear, the anger, the flood of emotion that comes back when I saw his picture. And, though he's aged and quite possibly harmless...I would cross the street and instruct my children to do the same if they saw him.

My sister and I are not close. We haven't spoken on the phone in years. But, she is my sister. And, when I messaged her...she was kind and immediately offered to "unfriend" him. That may not seem like much. But, a few years ago there was an investigation into some abuse in my home town and including members of her family...and she made it clear that she didn't want me to involve her father in the process..."He's old and sick," she said. That was a moment that I was unsure that I could recover from. But, today...this breath...this conversation has changed that...though not entirely...substantially for me anyway.

Thank you for allowing my sister to see me...

Confession

I have a confession...

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!

I love everything about it. I love the huge/tacky, more than necessary glitter, awful sweaters, earrings that jingle, baked goods, bells...I love the carols, the Muzak, the parties, the Christmas cards in the mail...I love that it starts earlier every year. I love Nutcracker performances, stockings, and burning fireplaces.

Most of all...I love the gifting. I love the family...my family that exists all year but, especially during the coldest/warmest (if you know what I mean) season of the year. I love that I get to be a better mother than I had...I get to put so much thought into their gifts. I get to love them freely and joyfully...and not quite so seriously. I get to be goofy, and fun, and holiday mom.

So...don't rush this...don't go so fast. I want to enjoy it...the kids are leaving to spend Christmas with dads, grandparents, and cousins...so, we are going to snuggle in and watch TV because tonight is nearly tomorrow...

On my knees...

Today it's just a prayer. Recognizing how hapless, hopelessly flawed, imperfect, yet creative and gifted we all are...light and heavy all at the same time.

Dear Holy One,

Hear me even when I don't deserve to be listened to. Thank you for giving when all I can do is receive. Thank you for loving me when I least deserve it. For teaching me that love is not earned. It is given freely, by choice, and that when we least expect, deserve, provide love...it is given to us in so many unexpected ways in unexpected places, through the most unexpected people (your creation).

Help...help me to understand others even when I feel misunderstood. Help me to create, when I feel destroyed. Help me to lift up, when I feel beaten down. Help me to know what others need, when I scarcely know what my own heart needs to hear. Let me love when I am lost. Let me love when I need to be loved...because through the loving is also the being loved.

Protect us...protect me from my own mouth and ego. Protect your people from the hurts of your people...we inflict so much on each other. We are all so loved, yet in so much pain. Protect us from the recognition that we are unworthy...But, we are not...because you created all. You chose us. Protect us from feeling left behind, ignored, and less than.

Amen

Some days are more difficult...

The last couple of days have been hellacious. To say it's busy in my world is an understatement. I'm usually pretty good at rolling with the punches...But, today I literally and figuratively have reached my limit to being the one that is constantly and consistently running on fumes. 

I'm not writing this so that you (assuming anyone reads this anyway) will feel sorry for me. I demanded empathy earlier in the day, and obviously...got none. I suppose I am writing this to let go...I'm angry. And, I'm pretty sure that I am angry (mostly) with myself. You see, no one did this to me. I have overextended myself and given more of myself than I should have. It brings me comfort to take care of others. I rarely say no. In fact, I practically invite the chronic over-scheduling that I live. 

Yesterday around 1:00 P.M. I started to feel funny. I knew immediately that a migraine was on the horizon. I smelled more, could hear my hair growing, saw the funny halo light around things...so, I took something immediately after work in the attempt to stave off the approaching train wreck that I was to become. I assisted the bf in a dropbox task, helped a friend's son edit a college essay, organized my desk...and proceeded to puke because of the pain. 

My Julia was at rehearsal and I was lucky someone else could go pick her up. Because, I was incapable of driving. So, I went to bed thinking I could shake it by morning. No such luck. I had to work today. I'm hourly now and sick days aren't an option. 

But, here's the thing...I haven't had a full day off since September. I worked Thanksgiving. I will work on Christmas Eve, possibly Christmas, and New Year's Eve...not because I want to, but out of necessity. I love all three of my jobs. I do. The fact that they are all part time elicits a passion that I was unable to attain when working 70 hours a week in a restaurant. But, I have to recognize my own limitations. And, that this can only be temporary. It's a realization that this is why we don't live beyond our means...this is reason to live beneath what we can afford. Because the insurmountable living expenses, life events, and people that need us...hold us hostage and create a cycle of do more, work more, live less, lose more of ourselves. 

And...I would like to see more of myself.