The last couple of days have been hellacious. To say it's busy in my world is an understatement. I'm usually pretty good at rolling with the punches...But, today I literally and figuratively have reached my limit to being the one that is constantly and consistently running on fumes.
I'm not writing this so that you (assuming anyone reads this anyway) will feel sorry for me. I demanded empathy earlier in the day, and obviously...got none. I suppose I am writing this to let go...I'm angry. And, I'm pretty sure that I am angry (mostly) with myself. You see, no one did this to me. I have overextended myself and given more of myself than I should have. It brings me comfort to take care of others. I rarely say no. In fact, I practically invite the chronic over-scheduling that I live.
Yesterday around 1:00 P.M. I started to feel funny. I knew immediately that a migraine was on the horizon. I smelled more, could hear my hair growing, saw the funny halo light around things...so, I took something immediately after work in the attempt to stave off the approaching train wreck that I was to become. I assisted the bf in a dropbox task, helped a friend's son edit a college essay, organized my desk...and proceeded to puke because of the pain.
My Julia was at rehearsal and I was lucky someone else could go pick her up. Because, I was incapable of driving. So, I went to bed thinking I could shake it by morning. No such luck. I had to work today. I'm hourly now and sick days aren't an option.
But, here's the thing...I haven't had a full day off since September. I worked Thanksgiving. I will work on Christmas Eve, possibly Christmas, and New Year's Eve...not because I want to, but out of necessity. I love all three of my jobs. I do. The fact that they are all part time elicits a passion that I was unable to attain when working 70 hours a week in a restaurant. But, I have to recognize my own limitations. And, that this can only be temporary. It's a realization that this is why we don't live beyond our means...this is reason to live beneath what we can afford. Because the insurmountable living expenses, life events, and people that need us...hold us hostage and create a cycle of do more, work more, live less, lose more of ourselves.
And...I would like to see more of myself.
Monica, thank you for your honesty. I can so relate to "overextended myself and given more of myself than I should have. It brings me comfort to take care of others. I rarely say no. In fact, I practically invite the chronic over-scheduling that I live."
ReplyDeleteThe good news is today I have learned to take care of myself in the midst of taking care of others. I have learned to ask for help. After all there are people who too would like "to take comfort in helping others."
Just know that this too shall pass. In the meantime, let me know if I can help in anyway.
Blessings, my dear.