Moving On...

GOD(---and I use that term lovingly and in conversation to the one being that needs not read my blog to hear me); life has been hard. I don't say that simply because my life has been difficult. It has. But, it's not really about that. It's more about being stuck...or not. It's more about the letting go of things. I don't really mean "things" like in hoarding of books, memorabilia, even shoes (I've gotten to a place that I can even let go of those)...I mean the real stuff, the stuff that we carry day in and day out. The hurt and the pain. The stuff that glues us to thinking we are worthless and undeserving. That's the part we need to let go of. It's the part that makes us hurt ourselves, others, and have panic attacks in the closet. It's the part that no one sees and yet is the most damaging.

Look, I'm not saying that I won't have an argument with my bf or old friend. I am saying however...if you damage me and I am unable to move on with you in my life. If that damage is too deep, too typical, too "insert word" for us to move on with each other...I am finally at a place where I can let go of you and where we were, where we might have went, and the pain that we caused each other.

I am letting go of arrogance. Some of it will stick. I know. Part of that is mine and so interwoven with my fabric...letting go would mean losing the real, inner, inner, inner parts of myself. And, that's not the goal. But, I am letting go of the part that makes me think that I can "fix" you, the part of me that thinks if I am your friend, lover, sister...somehow, I can plug that hole of emptiness for you. The part that deeply believes...I can carry the weight of the world. I cannot. So, I am moving on...carrying what I can, my luggage first. If I have room, and your stuff won't fall on me, suffocate me, drown me...I will help you. But, you have to ask...you have to want my help. I'm sorry that I have given what was neither desired nor requested.

Please don't take this as me leaving you or giving up on our friendship. But, if you haven't called, if I only know you are sick or struggling via Facebook, if you had a baby (and I called you) and I reached out, if we are not real...mutually real...I am letting go of you...maybe just for now...until it can be what it is meant to be.

Peace,
M