While I was in my starting corral, I say mom/daughters, father/sons, brother/sisters, cousins, best friends, lovers...they were all running for something or mostly...someone. People ran for Autism, Lymphoma, Heart Disease, Alzheimer's, Leukemia, and many other causes. I stood there amongst people that I knew would finish before me. And, it didn't matter. Ok, well...It mattered a little when this 400 lb Canadian breezed past me like I was standing still. I noticed as his hair was blowing in the wind...he had three other bands on his wrist...which meant he had already completed a 5k, 10k, Half Marathon, and was working on the last leg...the Marathon. In case I didn't say it..."You go dude!" If you only have me...which, I am certain is not the case, I am so proud of you.
While I was doing the lonely part of the run...I thought about that guy and the people that would be waiting for him at the finish line. I thought about my friends who are adopted. But, they still have people waiting on them at the literal or figurative finish line. How, though I know who my mother is...she has rarely been there for any life event. Not surgery, the birth of my children, heart disease, when I had a cancer scare...And, though she is my mother...I'm not sure she ever transformed into a mother for any of us. And, this trip...I was able to finally realize that I don't miss her or the version of her that I needed. Because finally, I've been able to become my own family. I can mother myself. I don't need her, my significant other's family, no surrogates for me.
Running three miles further than I thought possible, I truly felt God. It wasn't me. I had blood flow issues to my arms. My hands and fingers had swollen. I was numb up to my elbows. The compression socks I was wearing totally saved my legs. But, something inside of me kept pushing. Do, I wish I would have done better...sure, don't we all?
But, I showed up...and this life that I am living is evidence that even though the people that should have desired me didn't, that should have showed up, given more, sacrificed...they gave up...they gave up on themselves and me. That's not me. That's them and knowing that...knowing that the wt, trailer park parents, I would've given anything for them to love me...didn't. At one point...we think even she doesn't love me, that must mean...I'm worthless, unloveable, bad, insert whatever...But, we aren't what happens to us, we aren't who does or doesn't choose us. We are only who we have been created to be and the rest is noise.
If you are big...be BIGGER!!! Don't let someone else define and determine your worth...20 years goes by so fast. Therapy takes so long to sink in. Or is it even the therapy? Is it finally succumbing to the voice of God or our Inner Most Inner Most Inner...whatever you believe...we are all good and we all need help. Not just those of us who are the "nice" ones, or the ones who we understand. But, those of us seem to have it under control, who are capable, who are used to fighting for love because it was never freely given. We need help and empathy sometimes. And, though you may not know what we need...if you ask, we will tell you.
That love...the love you don't have to fight for...it already exists. I know that, it's just...sometimes I forget. It's not something anyone can take from you. They can't really give it to you either, they don't own it. I hope my daughter knows that...if nothing else. That she is so loved and she is love.
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