Every year Mother's Day hits me like a freight train. It's expected and consistently painful. I grieve the mother I should have had and the mother I could have been with the right guidance. I send a card to my grandmother in the same routine way. I know she needs to know how much I love her and that I know she did her best.
Last week the sermon at church was about the "Trinity" and specifically the "Father" part. It's funny, because I really thought that it was going to talk about traits and similarities between "earthly" and "heavenly" fathers. Yeah. But, no...The sermon utilized the 1960 book "Are You My Mother?" by Dr. Seuss. I listened intently as the story of a wonderful minister unfolded. He spoke of his absent father and his "sainted" mother who filled in the gaps. I choked back the tears as my daughter looked at me and flatly said..."That must suck." She knows I hate that word. But, later as we were cooking...we had a heart to heart. She asked how it made me feel to hear wonderful stories of loving parents. She knows how wonderful my grandparents were to me growing up. But, she knows that they didn't really have an impact until I was ten.
And, to answer her question...It so sucks. I don't understand that kind of love. I can give it...I think. But, then there are days that I wonder. Am I really capable of loving unconditionally? If I have never experienced that kind of love, how will I know that I am giving it to my children? I guess I just know. I have faith in myself. I mother people that don't ask for it. I make sure they go to the doctor when they are sick. I remind them to take their vitamins. I feed people. So...maybe what I didn't experience is exactly what allows me to give it to others.
This year Mother's Day shares the weekend of AYB's Spring Ballet. Which means, my daughter is spending the weekend with her daddy and his family. I am so happy for her. It is the first time her grandmother is going to see her dance. The costumes are new and her "Big Sister" is giving her final company performance in the fantastic role of "Firebird".
There are no plans for breakfast in bed, flowers, or even sitting next to my kiddos in church. My son will be working at the restaurant. He's a great server and he makes me so proud. Being his manager is so much easier than being a mother.
But, I will miss them. I know that this Sunday is really no different than any other Sunday. I am blessed beyond belief to wake up everyday and have my family right in front of me. I am blessed to have children that aren't afraid to tell me what they think of me. I am blessed to watch them grow and learn. I am blessed to see them make mistakes and poor choices, despite my advice. I know they can't appreciate how much I love them. I am so glad that they are able to take that for granted. Because, I know that one day they will be grown. They will have their own children to love. And, they will know that they were wanted, loved, and I picked them.
Happy Mother's Day!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment