Strange and Skeptical

Yesterday, we went to two church services. Funny. I hadn't planned on it. But, it was kind of like New Year's Eve. I felt a more than gentle nudge to stay. The first sermon was on faith. For those who peruse this particular blog...you might recall the post from November 29th on that exact subject. It's been only a month. But, it feels like an eternity. The last month has brought love and light...and death and catastrophe as well. 

Yesterday, I might have felt a little "beaten up". I don't know if I had lost my way or faith. But, MAN! This past few weeks had been rough. 

Life got hard. I mean the waters were rough at my house. Financial things (things that I had no control over) became overwhelming. The semester came to an end, only for me to realize that this upcoming semester would be equally (if not more) difficult. Grueling days at work left me exhausted. My Julia was in the Nutcracker. And, a dear friend lost her father over Christmas. 

It's funny. I had coffee with the pastor of my new church this week as well. It was lovely, intellectual, and challenging. He challenged me to make peace with some family situations. He challenged me to think about what my "purpose" is here in this world. I am certain that I pushed back. He was right though. There were issues that needed revisiting. There were plans that needed some adjusting. This residual hearing/listening might very well be working. God might very well accept us as we are. But, then...in the quiet space, he says, "enough". Enough with the egos, temper tantrums, and childish debates. "Can you hear me now?" And, of course we can. We revisit the conversation. We stop saying "what does he/she know". And, we breathe, we hear, we listen, we act accordingly. 

Fine. Uncle. I don't know everything. In fact, I know very little. There is so much more to learn. And, my faith is like my body. I'm a "tough broad", with "wobbly bits". Take it or leave it. I'm bruised, battered and scarred. I have stretch marks, a crooked nose (though not so much since surgery), scars on the outside, and ones much deeper that are invisible until we get to know each other. 

I can put on make-up and cover my ink with a sweater. But, at the end of the day...God sees me naked, vulnerable and true. I think most days he's pretty proud of me. And, others...well, there's some disappointment. The love doesn't change. The faith in me doesn't change. Sometimes it's a gentle nudge and other days...it's bring you to your knees stuff. 

Yesterday, I was reminded that it's more than adequate to be afraid. It's alright to ask questions. It's OK to say, "God. Today, I'm not buying what you are selling. Today wasn't fair. I don't like it, not even a little. How can you let the good guy die and keep ______ around? Where are you?" I needed reminding of the imperfect faith that we all have. We all waiver. Those perfect marriages; they don't exist. What does exist is a conversation, a journey, truth, and the capacity to do better. What does exist is God's faith in us. Perhaps that faith is the only truth there is. Jesus didn't let Peter drown in doubt. He loved him in spite of it. Maybe God loves us because of that doubt. Maybe it's the doubt that makes the faith stronger. Perhaps the only certainty in life is that we are never really alone. When we think the whole world has abandoned us, when we have lost faith in ourselves, we have a partner. Stealing a quote here..."Faith is the response that bids us to come despite rough waters, despite doubt." Another words, "Bring it!"

“I had to suspend knowledge, in order to make room for faith.” -Immanuel Kant, Critique of Practical Reason

Look familiar? Yeah, I "borrowed" it from a previous quote. Remember that coffee with the minister? He said something that didn't sink in at the time....I was telling him about how I ended up in church on New Year's Eve. I'm going to paraphrase...something a long the lines of that story being enough to make him a Pentecostal. That was deep. We can revisit that in a moment too, when we get to the part on healing. What does being Pentecostal mean? Let's oversimplify. I mean, this isn't a book...it's a blog right? Humor me. The main emphasis of Pentecostalism is the human interaction with God and the interaction of the Holy Spirit. The religious perspective isn't devoid of intellectualism. But, it certainly has some moments of "Christian Magic". We don't always buy into it. I'm the first one to shake my head at the "healing services" and "speaking of tongues". I do give room for my voice to be God's and vice versa. 

Fast forward to second service aptly titled: Do you want to be healed? Here we go again. I mean, who doesn't? Who doesn't want their sister, son, daughter, brother, dad, uncle, friend, world, maybe even enemy to be healed? Did he just ask that? 

Fine. I get it. The real question was bigger. Isn't that always the case? It's more of an...are you ready? I take a massive amount of notes. So, I could simply vomit the bulk of the sermon here. I don't think that serves a purpose though. Not here. 

I will argue something I believe in until the end of time. I have been having the same Biblical debate with one of my long-time friends for more than two decades. Twenty years ago, I didn't have the knowledge or capacity to truly have the conversation. Thankfully, neither did he. So, he quoted verses and I argued that his point of view just didn't "feel" right. Today, we had the same conversation. He still holds the same view. And, I am armed with love and a deeper understanding of the text in question. Bigger though, I have a respect for my friend that allows me to tread just a little lighter. 

My point is, skepticism. Healing might not be BAM!!! Demons be gone!!!

Healing might simply be the ability to "see" the other person. What did Bob call it? Listening Love. I think that's FANTASTIC. Really. It's not doctrine that people hear and see. Well, sometimes it is. Sure. Seeing, healing, hearing...aren't they all related. Isn't it through seeing ourselves that we see others? Then we see them and consider that we might not be so different. Don't we fill ourselves up by filling those around us? 

Back to healing. Ooh, and that relationship with God and the Holy Spirit...(sorry folks taking the long way today)...I shouldn't have made it this far. I mean by all accounts. The world and individuals have heaped a whole lot of trauma into this one life. I have given my all to "wreck" myself in more ways than one. I have experienced more pain and suffering than some of you might care to imagine. I have also experienced more blessings and moments of healing than any one individual should be afforded. I have been gifted with redo's and second, third, hundredth chances. God healed a wounded heart both literally and figuratively. I never liked that phrase "By the Grace of God". But, how else? 

I had heart surgery this Summer. And, in December I was all set to have another surgery. I flew to my appointment. I testing earlier in the week and knew that surgery was the only option. So, I sucked it up. I had someone lined up to take care of the kids. I got on a plain. And...WTH? My blood-work came back...wait for it..."good enough" according the my cardiologist. My echocardiogram came back...yup, "good enough". Good enough has never been for me. That is, good enough was never enough. Yeah, I think God was in my corner. Or, maybe the prior results were inaccurate. Maybe the healing was physical, maybe not. Maybe the real miracle was finally accepting good enough. 

But, the relationship part...that part about the Holy Spirit, isn't it just about being open to possibility? Isn't it about making room for a voice, sight, a vision or a nudge?